Back again
Hello everyone,
I signed up here in late 2014 with what I thought was a desire to stop drinking. I guess that desire wasn't so strong. I didn't drink for the first two months of 2014 and it felt great. But the old urges kept coming back. It was a stressful time. I was moving to a place in Central Europe to live with my girlfriend, who had moved back home. For the last month or so there have been some problems in our relationship regarding intimacy, trust, etc. I felt unsupported, she felt the spark was gone. It took these circumstances for me to hit rock bottom.
My drinking has been a problem for us for a long time. I'm not an everyday drinker and can go long periods without. But then I binge. Oh how I binge. And this weekend, we decided we needed some space from each other. I'd become friendly with a girl at work - I work in a pub, surprise surprise, and on my night off on Monday, I went there. She had just finished work. We both got smashed and kissed. And then we met again the following night. I knew I couldn't keep this from my girlfriend, and I told her. She is obviously furious, hurt and upset. Especially since it happened twice in a row. Despite the problems in our relationship, she is the person that has made the most wonderful impact on my life, and I hate myself for hurting her. I can't stand myself. I'm not sure she'll ever be able to forgive, or trust me again. I have no excuses for my behaviour. I don't blame drink, but I would have been able to resist if I had been sober. The other girl has been having relationship problems too, and I guess we both wanted to feel appreciated. But I know that's a fantasy.
I don't know what to do. I feel completely lacking in drive and energy. Every time my phone goes, I know it will be more angry words from my girlfriend. There aren't many AA meetings here in Graz - there is one tonight, but I have to work. So I'm here looking for feedback. I haven't had a drink since my stupid, stupid actions on Tuesday. Trying just not to have the first one. I've booked an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow and will seek therapy and whatever else might help. Right now, I'm sitting in my studio apartment chain smoking and trying to stay sober. It's horrible. But I know I only have myself to blame. I can't believe I've jeapordised everything I value in my life. I genuinely want to stop drinking. I know I'm an alcoholic, I've probably known for some time. It's just such a hard thing to accept. You always hope you can renavigate your relationship with the bottle. But I know now this isn't possible. I went home to my family for a short holiday last month and tried to talk about the effect drink was having in my life. But they are all heavy drinkers too. I even spoke about it with my girlfriend, but sometimes she finds it hard to offer support because she has intimacy/relationship issues from before our time together.
I just want to cry and cry and cry. l also want to get better. Thanks for reading.