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Old 07-16-2015, 01:45 AM
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Back again

Hello everyone,
I signed up here in late 2014 with what I thought was a desire to stop drinking. I guess that desire wasn't so strong. I didn't drink for the first two months of 2014 and it felt great. But the old urges kept coming back. It was a stressful time. I was moving to a place in Central Europe to live with my girlfriend, who had moved back home. For the last month or so there have been some problems in our relationship regarding intimacy, trust, etc. I felt unsupported, she felt the spark was gone. It took these circumstances for me to hit rock bottom.
My drinking has been a problem for us for a long time. I'm not an everyday drinker and can go long periods without. But then I binge. Oh how I binge. And this weekend, we decided we needed some space from each other. I'd become friendly with a girl at work - I work in a pub, surprise surprise, and on my night off on Monday, I went there. She had just finished work. We both got smashed and kissed. And then we met again the following night. I knew I couldn't keep this from my girlfriend, and I told her. She is obviously furious, hurt and upset. Especially since it happened twice in a row. Despite the problems in our relationship, she is the person that has made the most wonderful impact on my life, and I hate myself for hurting her. I can't stand myself. I'm not sure she'll ever be able to forgive, or trust me again. I have no excuses for my behaviour. I don't blame drink, but I would have been able to resist if I had been sober. The other girl has been having relationship problems too, and I guess we both wanted to feel appreciated. But I know that's a fantasy.
I don't know what to do. I feel completely lacking in drive and energy. Every time my phone goes, I know it will be more angry words from my girlfriend. There aren't many AA meetings here in Graz - there is one tonight, but I have to work. So I'm here looking for feedback. I haven't had a drink since my stupid, stupid actions on Tuesday. Trying just not to have the first one. I've booked an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow and will seek therapy and whatever else might help. Right now, I'm sitting in my studio apartment chain smoking and trying to stay sober. It's horrible. But I know I only have myself to blame. I can't believe I've jeapordised everything I value in my life. I genuinely want to stop drinking. I know I'm an alcoholic, I've probably known for some time. It's just such a hard thing to accept. You always hope you can renavigate your relationship with the bottle. But I know now this isn't possible. I went home to my family for a short holiday last month and tried to talk about the effect drink was having in my life. But they are all heavy drinkers too. I even spoke about it with my girlfriend, but sometimes she finds it hard to offer support because she has intimacy/relationship issues from before our time together.

I just want to cry and cry and cry. l also want to get better. Thanks for reading.
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Old 07-16-2015, 02:41 AM
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Welcome back Javanaise

I think the basis of any good recovery is a good recovery plan - there's some really good links here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Supports important too - especially if you can;t get to an AA meeting. This site is always here. I really encourage you to use it.

SR helped me turn my life around - there's really no reason why you can't do the same

D
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Old 07-16-2015, 03:53 AM
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Thanks , Dee. I really want to turn my life around and really hope I can. I've spoken with some friends today, so it looks like I have some people lined up for support.
Best Wishes
Javanaise
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Old 07-16-2015, 05:29 AM
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Well, I managed to leave the house today, which makes today better than yesterday (I only left yesterday to talk to my girlfriend, and that was truly horrible). It's in the high thirties here, so I went to the Freibad. It was so nice to feel the water against me. I know from previous attempts to quit that you really can only take it one day at a time. And I'm not drinking today. Which is two days in a row and is a start. This forum is great. Right now, all I can do is focus on the present moment. I've done something terrible, and I might not be forgiven for it. But if I stick to the path of sobriety, hopefully I will get the chance to make amends.
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Old 07-16-2015, 05:39 AM
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Welcome Javanaise!

Day 2 is fantastic!

I hope you stick around SR and take advantage of all of the support and knowledge that freely flows here!

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Old 07-16-2015, 06:05 AM
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Welcome bk Javanaise
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Old 07-16-2015, 06:43 AM
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Welcome back J. 2 days is a great start. Like Dee said, a solid plan is a great benefit.

Glad you found your way back to this community!
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Old 07-16-2015, 06:52 AM
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Welcome back Javanaise. You can do it.

Two days is a good start. Tomorrow will be three.
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Old 07-16-2015, 06:57 AM
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Welcome back, Javanaise.

As others said, formulating and implementing a plan for sobriety is very important.

I hope that you find sobriety as wonderful and satisfying as I and many others on the site have found it to be.

We are here for you.
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:37 AM
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Thanks, everyone. Just trying to keep it simple. Couldn't cook yesterday, just finishing cooking a meal now. Baby steps. The last few weeks the bingeing got really bad. I'm a keen runner, but I just stopped. Something to look forward to. Really appreciate all the support.
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:38 AM
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Full support from me...
she'll forgive you if you show some spirit and stay on the path.
good luck.....
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Old 07-16-2015, 07:46 AM
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Hello, Javanaise and welcome back. Sounds like you're having a rough go of things. I hate that for you. But, you are making the best choice you can by getting sober. Everything else can be managed so much better when drink isn't involved. Keep posting. Especially before you pick up a drink. We're here for you.
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:24 AM
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Thanks, everyone. I really hope she can forgive me too. I've put so much into this relationship and so has she. I think that, beneath all the baggage we've both been lugging around with us since way before we ever met, there's a really solid foundation there. But, honestly, that's out of my hands. I'll do everything I can. And that includes trying to stay on this sober path.
I'm a little worried about going to work tonight. I work in a pub. I've handed in my notice and finish on July 30th, so it will be a struggle until then. I've just decided that I'm going to come home as soon as the shift ends. Most nights, everyone gathers round, but I'll keep away from that. Checking in here sober later will provide some motivation, at least.

Thanks, y'all.
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:46 AM
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Welcome back to SR, Javanaise. I highly suggest joining and actively participating in the Class of July 2015 thread found on this same board. It's a great way to learn from and help others who are in early recovery like yourself.
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Old 07-16-2015, 03:42 PM
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Welcome back Javanaise!!

For me desire, willpower, hope, good intentions, it never really got me far, my addiction was too strong most of the time.

Instead I needed a plan of action, make some decisions on my routines, the activities I got involved in, the people I hung out with, had to get proactive and make Sobriety happen with plenty of support and a change of lifestyle!!

You can do this!!
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Old 07-16-2015, 03:44 PM
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It's so good to see you back here Javanaise. There's no doubt that you can do this.
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