Enter The Dragon (yeah, drinking)
I'm putting this here as a means of accountability to myself. Bought 4 litres of extra strong cider. I'm sure it will be enough to get a buzz, I took a few swigs in a public toilet and I think I will. Hopefully not enough to blackout. I doubt it but used to be when I was a kid though, for sure. I need to feel something. If that is pain and anger so be it.
That's not what I'm aiming for but (I need to block out my reality right now) it's probably better than nothing. And it is certainly better than other peoples BS all the time which is what has defined my life. I cannot handle the stress anymore. I'm not using the word lightly either as it has been manifesting on the outside of my entire body for most of my life.
I've been through chronic insomnia, clinical depression, a traumatic stress disorder and it is all still twirling away right in front of my face trying to suck me back in. I have little to look forward to either as it happens. I have had little help along the way, yes a little but mostly it's exacerbated. It's becoming a crisis situation right now. The never-ending story.