Thank you for your honest reply. I don't want to parse words, so I won't disagree with your point on indecision, my behavior clearly reflects it. My girlfriend has been supportive of me in the past, not buying alcohol I would want, if I had stated I was trying be sober. I've just spared her the ever couple day "I'm never going to drink again" ultimatum BS. I want some solid footing before opening up about it again, she would support me and doesn't say anything if I'm not drinking. I wish there was a black and white moment where I knew was ready and could tell the world, but it just hasn't been that easy.
I kind of feel like right now I'm back to learning to ride a bike, or an infant learning to walk. I want to do it, but I keep falling down. The infuriating part is I had 3 months sober and went back drinking. The bicycle metaphor doesn't quite apply because it's not as easy to jump back on and ride again, it's harder than before. Babies don't give up trying to walk after falling 2 times, or 5 times or 10 times, they keep trying until they walk. That's where I feel I am. I don't want to fall down 10 times then just give up and decide to drink. I want to get up 11 times and stay up.
Here's my pro/con list:
Reasons to quit
health
-acid reflux (I was on prilisec)
-problems with past blood work (low iron, high triglycerides liver enzymes)
-weight loss
-drinking interferes with exercise
-risk of hurting myself falling or driving
-elevated blood pressure
my brain
-my memory is slipping
-blackouts from drinking
-anxiety
-I’m less patient even when sober when I’m drinking
hangovers
drinking makes me tired
money
time - drinking and brewing are giant time sucks
relationships with my children and my GFhave suffered from drinking
I drive when I shouldn’t
I'm not there to care for my family in an emergency if I’m passed out
Reasons to drink
the buzz, I enjoy drinking (for the first two drinks anyways)
Habit
Anxiety
I don’t want people to know I can’t drink
I’m afraid of drinking again anyways and tired to dealing with the unexpected
I might get sick and die from something anyways so I might as well enjoy myself and not worry about it
Originally Posted by
Cissy 
Well, there's the problem, nmd. You haven't decided you want to quit. If you had, your girlfriend would know never to bring you alcohol. I understand being on the fence. I truly do, nmd. What are your reasons for wanting to quit? What are your reasons for wanting to continue to drink?
Write them all out. How do you feel after a day or two or 10 of drinking vs how you feel after those same number of days sober? I notice that when I'm drinking, it's a crap shoot how it will make me feel. Sometimes it lightens the mood a bit and makes things a little rosier and other times it makes it feel like there's really nothing left to live for.