Welcome, upstaino, and I hope you find the support you're looking for here at SR. Everybody here "gets it", and you can feel safe.
I'm glad to hear you've been spending some time reading posts here, and I hope it's helped a little already. Please continue to read, particularly here in "Family and Friends", as this is probably where you'll find the most help for your situation right now. I don't know if you've checked out the stickies at the top of the page, but if not, please do so. This thread from there might speak to you especially:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
It sounds like you understand in your head that you've done what you need to do, but your heart is lagging behind. I understand that, I really do. It just takes time for the heart to catch up, days when all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. As a wise member here once said, "Time takes time", and there is no way to rush it.
Please keep reading and posting here. Consider some face-to-face support for yourself like Alanon. And above all, be kind to yourself. You
will get past this. So many others have done so, and you are no less than they are.
Wishing you strength and clarity.