Upstaino

Hi everyone. I posted in the newcomers forum as well..I wasn't sure where would be best...sorry for duplicating . I am new here and totally lost. I have been reading posts for a few months, trying to get some clarity and support. My live-in abf had driven me to the edge. Night after night of either coming home hours late or not at all..blaming me for why he didn't...the put downs...verbal abuse..anger...rage...blame...reckless behavior..money wasting...I just couldn't take it any more and left him, our home and life. I had friends urging (begging) me to take this step. I know it was the "right" thing to do...but now I am utterly miserable. I miss him (which is crazy...he hardly spent any time with with me because he was always at the bar) and feel I would give anything to take it all back and return to the (crazy, dysfunctional) life we had. Close friends tell me I am romaticizing the relationship...and I know they are right...but it still hurts terribly. Does any one have any words of wisdom or insight to help me get through this painful time? I can't stop crying and am so miserable...
Thanks.

honeypig

Welcome, upstaino, and I hope you find the support you're looking for here at SR. Everybody here "gets it", and you can feel safe.

I'm glad to hear you've been spending some time reading posts here, and I hope it's helped a little already. Please continue to read, particularly here in "Family and Friends", as this is probably where you'll find the most help for your situation right now. I don't know if you've checked out the stickies at the top of the page, but if not, please do so. This thread from there might speak to you especially:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

It sounds like you understand in your head that you've done what you need to do, but your heart is lagging behind. I understand that, I really do. It just takes time for the heart to catch up, days when all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. As a wise member here once said, "Time takes time", and there is no way to rush it.

Please keep reading and posting here. Consider some face-to-face support for yourself like Alanon. And above all, be kind to yourself. You will get past this. So many others have done so, and you are no less than they are.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Uplifting

I also understand that feeling of your heart and head not on same page and have spent way too much time listening and going with my heart and ignoring my head and my gut in ways that continued to leave my heart in further and deeper pieces.. but for me due to my circumstances and experiences and "baggage" that pain was more comfortable for me than the loss and grief and sadness and letting go of a fantasy and dream and have spent much time crying and being confused and convincing myself of things that would only hurt me... So I hear you and it hurts, a lot, and it has taken and still taking me time and support of others in my shoes and talking about it in my own therapy to work through all this to find some peace and figure out what I really want and what will serve me better in a healthy way, but it is a process and sometimes there are waves of crying myself to sleep and then I come out of it stronger if I remain away from the chaos, and then feel healthier, but it is definitely waves I ride and coming here and posting and reading has helped... sending you understanding and you are not alone..

Hopeworks

Sorry you are going through time of grief and longing for something that deep down you know is destructive and toxic.

Understanding the scientific reason for our pain helped me enormously and it may help you as well. All of our emotions are created by our brains and are chemical in nature designed to keep us tightly bonded to our intimate parter and avoid breaking up. I believe the super intense emotions that we experience with A's on the emotional roller coaster as well as the intense fear we usually have for the A's future without us intensify the distress of separation.

It is not healthy love and it is not logical but in reality is chemical dumps that we perpetuate by obsessing and focusing on the object of our distress: the A. The only way to shorten this period of pain is to work on turning "off' the thoughts of the A and changing your thought life which in turn create new neural pathways.

Its not easy and takes conscious effort to over and over attempt to focus on other subjects...and as we do this time is a healer and we eventually get control again of our emotions and thought life. But knowing it is not "love" gluing us together with the A helped me enormously.

Do you have anything you love to do as a hobby or pastime? Keeping busy doing fun and positive things is very helpful. Stick with your friends ...they sound pretty smart and will help you stick to your goals.

Hope that helps.

dandylion

Hopeworks......I believe that you advice on this subject are sooo very true!!

It seems that a large number of people on this forum are going through this very thing, right now, this weekend!

dandylion

LexieCat

I think a lot of what you're feeling is just the loss of the familiar. You're probably feeling a little adrift right now, unsure of what your new life is going to look like. The unknown is always kind of scary, even when what you've left behind is awful.

My suggestion is to just take things slow, allow yourself to feel what you feel, but every day do something toward building your NEW life. Pick out some pretty things for your new home. Find a neat coffee shop or park or restaurant close to your new place and hang out there for an hour or so. Make a new friend who doesn't know you as part of a couple. Make it a point to do some things your ex didn't like (but you do).

This feeling WILL pass. You can help it along a bit by making your new life as cozy and you-friendly as you can.

Upstaino

LexieCat..you are exactly right...I am definitely feeling "adrift" since leaving. As it was a major move from one state to another, I am trying trying to figure out why I'm "supposed" to be doing. I feel totally out of sorts and lost in my new surroundings, even though I have come "home" and am once again with family and friends. Since leaving my abf, we have spoken on the phone a few times and I have gotten a few sweet texts which leaves me in tears. My friends think he is trying to manipulate me (to get me to help him with money issues) and they are probably right....but I can't help responding with my emotional heart..hoping it will turn things around for us. It's so funny...he was so awful when I was there..I fantasized about leaving and thought I'd be totally satisfied when I finally did. The reality is that I am heartbroken and feel like I should have stayed.

Upstaino

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I will continue to keep reading and posting. Hopeworks and Honeypig, your posts were really insightful....it definitely helps gain perspective. Uplifting...I hear you about the "waves" of crying...that has definitely been me these last several days. It's been helping to talk with friends who witnessed or recounted my tales of woe while with my abf..I am trying to remind myself of the realities of the "relationship" we had...basically me being either berated or ignored.

dandylion

Upatanio......it is normal to feel the way you are feeling, right now. It hurts unlike anything else.....and you would do anything to make it go away......
Sort of like the misery and desperation that an addict feels to get that "normal feeling", again......

I "get" your pain...and I do h ave sympathy. As a friend, I would make you some hot tea and l et you cry in my lap....

For your welfare....I will suggest this to you (when you want to get past this).
1. Make a list of the worst things he has done to you and keep it with you at all times. Read it over and over ....and, over....to stay strong in your conviction.
2. Make a 2nd list of how you want your l ife to be in one year from now==visualize it. Describe it. Put it where you can SEE it every day---read it every day. Dream about it. It WILL come true if y ou will "dream" about it.....

dandylion

Listen to your head, right now....not your heart. Your heart will lead y ou astray......

Upstaino

Dandylion..that is a great idea. Sadly (or happily..depending on how you look at it!), a list of the worst things will probably be quite eye opening and a major dose of reality. I had dealt with everything gradually over time (kind of like death by a thousand paper cuts) and guess I got pretty used to the dysfunction. It's so crazy to think that even though it was a lonely, miserable life...I want to go running back to avoid the pain...yes..just like an addict. I know it was the right decision..and I will keep telling myself that even though a part of me wishes I could take it all back. Thanks.

AnvilheadII

welcome to SR, i'm so glad you reached out and found us.

feel I would give anything to take it all back and return to the (crazy, dysfunctional) life we had

the only way out is through.....going BACK to the crazy just brings MORE pain, and then a time would come when you would HAVE to leave again, to preserve your sanity.

all the energy in your relationship was sucked up in HIM....and you can't help but notice the large void in your life right now. it's like going to a concert and standing right by the speaker.....you can't hear for days afterwards, even tho the NOISE is gone.

i see a huge red flag....NOW he is calling being all sweet, but to what end? i hear he wants MONEY. tell ya what, tell him NO, firmly, and then see how quick Mr Sweet turns on you. ultimately NO contact would be best for you....

the put downs...verbal abuse..anger...rage...blame...reckless behavior..money wasting you never deserved a moment of that, but you somehow talked yourself into it. we all do to some degree. i imagine he was up to more bad behavior than you know or perhaps are ready to accept quite yet.

megsykreeg

It will hurt... let yourself grieve over the loss but do not wallow in it. Then pick yourself up and do something for you. Be strong in your decision. Yes, he probably is trying to manipulate you. If you went back it would probably be just as bad if not worse. Believe you deserve so much better.

Hugs to You!

dandylion

Upstaino.....I am glad that y ou can still say that you made the right decision.!!

You know...Anvil makes a great point that I think is important to remember when dealing with addicts.........
Tell the "no" on something that they want from you---and you will see them go from sweet angel to fire=breathing dragon in the bat of an eye!!
The "sweetness" will always be about what is good for them---not about what is best for you.

"NO" is a great l itmus test!

dandylion

honeypig

Upstaino, I have something that would probably be helpful for you to read, but for some reason, I cannot make a link to it for you--it keeps coming up as a download for a PDF. Dang it!

If you type in "healing the loss of a dream" in quotes like that in your browser, you will get some results that say "Healing the Loss of a Dream--Cottonwood Tucson". I think you'd find it worthwhile to download and read those. I'd post them here (there are 2 parts) b/c I think many others might find it helpful too, but they are pretty long and I'm not sure about copyright issues for such a long piece.

To me, they really speak to what you're going thru right now and might provide both insight and comfort.

SadInTX

I know how you feel! I am currently going through his but it is with my AH. I have cried so much this past week...I can't really eat or sleep. I have headaches. Mine hasn't even called me, he just text yesterday. It is over for him. Crazily I still had hope he would call me and say, "I want to get help. I miss you and I love you. I will do anything to save our marriage." But he didn't. I think he is already back with his exgf. How could I miss him or want him back after all the horrible things he did to me? Someone posted an article about Co dependency. I needed to read that today. Maybe that will help you. Something from the article that stood out for me: codependents appeart to be impervious to abuse. No matter how badly mistreated, they remain committed. I had to go to my friends, my dad to talk logically to me. I could not trust myself because I was thinking/feeling with my heart. It is okay to cry and be sad...just give it time. It does get easier. So sorry you are going through this too.

Upstaino

Thank you..everyone(!!) for the input. It is soooo hard. My abf texts me today that he "misses me"...."xxxoo"...and to "hang in there..things will get better"..and so I reply that I miss him too...and wtf is going on?! He won't tell me he wants me back.....or that he's sorry i left...or let's work on it.....just random texts. I am trying so hard not to fall into a possible manipulation game with him....(my sad fear)...as I keep hoping he's sitting on the other side crying himself to sleep like I am. I know this guy is really troubled...but of course I believe that somehow my leaving has rocked his world and he's beside himself. Everyone I know tells me to not communicate...but I can't stop. I just want to buy a plane ticket and go back to him. I feel so pathetic.

Lilro

Upstaino. PLEASE do yourself a favor and go no contact!
Your story sounds a lot like my own and many others here at SR. I myself felt the same exact way you currently feel a month ago. Even though I initiated the split, I was still very unsure I had done the correct thing. That first week I couldn't even find the energy to do too much of anything but cry and lay in bed. I was mad at myself, mad at him, confused, shell shocked. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this man who had promised me a future couldn't see past his own addiction to deliver. Now I can see so clearly, the manipulation, the lies, God only knows what else...I was dealing with a very sick person. I also got the "I miss you" , the " I know I have issues, I'm going to work on them" text, Really?? Now??? The " I love you" text. Well hell, I'd love someone I could treat like he did and get away with it too! Please... I could go on, DO NOT RESPOND to any future texting, phone calls, emails...nothing. A wise person here at SR told me that if they really want help they will get it with or without you in the picture... Good advise. Consider yourself lucky that you no longer live in the same town.. I wish.. I have been avoiding certain places in my own town so as not to run into him ( I swear, I will probably puke at the sight of him, that how disgusted I am).
Stay strong...we have all been there....try n/c... Believe me, it works....keep reading the posts here, this is where I found my strength. TAKE CARE OF YOU!! Let Go & Let God.
Keep your chin up and keep moving forward...you've got this! BIG HUG!!

AnvilheadII

chances are you are getting TUIs.....Texts while Under the Influence.

Kimmieh

These strategies have worked so well for me in the past. When I wavered about my break-up with axbf, I came back here and read the threads I made about him to remind me of all the horrible things that happened. It also helped me to post a list of things he did and a list of reasons why my life would be better without him. And life is really so much better without the alcoholic craziness in my life. *hugs*

And yes, absolutely no contact. That is now my rule for all break-ups, also with the current one with a non-alcoholic. Contact makes the process so much longer and more painful.

Hopeworks

Remember you have to control your thought life to stop the chemical dumps that are from your brain ... as smart as we are logically we are driven by feelings that are overwhelming. Those chemicals are just that...chemicals and they don't know that he is completely toxic for you!

When he texts you ... you get a chemical dump and "have" to text back.... so... block him, change your number so you can really take that big step to change your world to the future instead of the dead end of the past.

Make your lists and use them absolutely necessary but most importantly keep casting the thoughts down over and over and over and find something else to occupy your thoughts. Do you have a passion? A hobby? A dream? If not try to find something that you can concentrate on and will enjoy to help distract you from the thoughts that keep you bonded to a person who is not good for you!

Hope that helps... it takes discipline but it works and shortens the painful period of breaking up... unchain your brain!