Originally Posted by
SeriousKarma 
A question has been floating around in my head for a few days now, Bob, that I think could help you to move forward.
Who actually starts these arguments? Does your wife, perhaps sincerely, think it's you? Is it possible that you speak to your wife in a condescending way, and that she feels she's defending herself against your "tone"?
Who "starts" them is probably a matter of opinion, considering that the WHEN an exchange becomes a fight or disagreement is not always clear. I mean, naturally, we would both say the other started it more times than not.
I'll make one observation here: There is a pattern she sometimes follows in which she will make the first jab, and when I respond ("engage", if you prefer), I get called out for being aggressive.
There was a family that came into our lives via our son (a friend at school) who is no longer welcome in our home - - yes, it got that bad and one night, guess what was involved - lots of alcohol. The entire lot - especially the Mom and my son's pal, had this routine they played regularly: Start something with a clear provocation, then cry foul when someone responds/engages. Metaphorically speaking, they would poke someone in the chest or spit in their eye and then yell "abuse!" when the one they provoked pushes back, even if to simply get away. There must be a name for this crap, but I just call it crap - pulling people into a drama to get some twisted satisfaction or a feeling of being part of something important - a cry for attention maybe??
Tonight we had an "almost-fight" over nothing she turned into something. I asked her in a very casual, relaxed way - off the cuff - if she would look into getting a simple, small part for something in the home the next time she was at a store she frequents nearby. She "went off" on me, saying I "throw **** at her like this all the time". Hey, woah, what the..... Ummm, okay - I just asked if you could look into it while next door to the place that sells these things. You would think I asked her to change the oil in my car by hand while arranging for a dinner with the President. I mean, what was THAT???!!!~
She responds to all kinds of things - many of which DO NOT EXIST, including condescension (not to say it never comes from me, but if it does, I don't complain that she is responding negatively to it - I would expect that). More times than not, she will twist my words to fit what she THOUGHT I was thinking or going to say without HEARING what I said. "It was the way you looked", I often hear. (Me: "OMG, I was just sitting here with a blank stare!!!").
If it hasn't become apparent here, I'm not one who keeps up with this kind of game play, so clearly it is all new to me. I am naive to a fault, I suppose, and this probably sounds corny and contrived, but I really do just try to shoot straight and be honest day to day. If I ever hide my real feelings, its shyness or privacy, not ulterior motives. My wife, on the other hand, "plays" and I get played a lot, only to see it after its too late. I guess I am a slow learner - - I like to think it is that I am too trusting of those I should, well... TRUST. If I am provoked, I generally take the bait unintentionally and satisfy the provocateur's apparent need for conflict.
Not engaging is fairly new to me.
Okay, have I lost every person here due to massively excessive wordiness? Sorry....