Married Father Looking For Advice
Good Afternoon - I am a successful professional and have always thrived in my career however, my personal life is a different scenario. Our lives look like a fairy tale on the out-side but very different from the inside looking out.
I married my girlfriend of seven years two months ago. I was hesitant to marry her as she has struggled with alcoholism for most of our relationship. She has been to re-hab and been through the motions of AA but never stuck with it long enough to decide for herself if sobriety is what she wants. We have argued about her sobriety for 6 years now.
My story, not much unlike others, is one where I wake up with one person and fall asleep next to another. She drinks heavily and becomes a drastically different person. Anger, blame, deflection, hate, uncontrolled emotional outburst, and now physical abuse are the norm. My heart is filled with fear, disappointment, and disgust every time she drinks. Hearing her talk or be excited, happy, emotional about something when she is drunk drives me insane. It's not that I don't like to hear her excited, I simply know that tomorrow she wont be excited about it. Tomorrow she will wake up and be a different person. With no intention to do anything she said last night. To add insult to injury we are also raising two beautiful children. Our kids are now 10 and 12. They have witnessed all of these incidents indirectly or directly. When "mom" is drunk they know it. When "mom" is drunk and upset the neighborhood knows it. Our kids are old enough to have an opinion but for some reason my wife (mom) blames me for "instructing" them to have their negative opinion about her drinking...
Last Saturday was the first time that the cops showed up. I was at my wits end and decided early that morning to avoid conflict by isolating myself in my master bedroom. I locked the door and the slider that led to the back porch. This was my attempt to make a childish decision to avoid conflict.... I was wrong. At 1230 that night my wife decided that she had enough of me hiding from her and decided to force her way into the room. She hammered the door. Banged and screamed outside on the glass door. Even pretend to call the police and had a fake conversation with her phone. I decided that to avoid physical harm to myself (once she did beat the door down) to open the door and let her do what she needed... She stormed into the room locked the broken door and laughed at me... I wish that she would have stayed in there. At this time our children were wide awake and screaming at her to stop. She was screaming at them with a knife in her hand. She wanted them to come downstairs and start packing their bags. They knew to stay put and they did . The knife in the hand had me worried however. Seconds later there was a knock on the door. It was the cops... This was a first for me. Here it is 130 in the morning and my drunken wife answers the door to two cops. Kids upstairs crying and I'm shaking not knowing what twisted words she will tell the cops. To my surprise the cop asks me if he needed to take her somewhere else. I was unsure if she was going to tell the other officer that I hit her, hurt her.... her lies would have been the end of me and I would have been in the car. This is a scary thought!
I told the police officer no, he doesn't need to take her. I will make sure that she remains quiet and will do my best to avoid conflict with her. She was outside with the other officer for 10 minutes. I waited for her while in consoled our kids. Not much comfort that I could offer, but told them to shut their doors (unlocked) and we can talk in the morning when everything settles.
Wife enters the door crying. Five minutes and then she is back at it. This time with pans, banging them together, so as to keep me from going to sleep at 2 in the morning. I again warned her to stop as the cops will return and I cant stop them from taking you this time.... After a while of mean words shouted from one end of the house for me to hear, she eventually ran out of steam and fell asleep.
I know that I could have avoided this situation by not locking the door. I know that I could have surrounded myself with her rather than avoid her. I however cannot bear the thought of my beautiful wife transforming into a monster. Watching it happen is very sad to me. I do not want to be the enabler and watch/support her in her addiction.
This is one night of many that I have lived over the years and whats really bothering me is that she wakes up the next morning with no shame, no regret, no remorse for what she has done to her family. Her anger is now so aggressive that when she is sober the words are the same. Her emotions are muddled and lost. My wife is gone. My girlfriend of seven years is gone. My children are stuck.... What can I do to save my marriage and my family? I fear that this will take over my mind so much that I will eventually loose my job as a result. I have become a borderline narcissist as a result of all of this chaos. I am pretty sure I'm depressed and suffer daily from complete emotional shutdowns. Truth is she has become an Alcoholic Narcissist.
If there is any advise that you can offer that can help me and my children short/long term please let me know. Meetings are not something that we can do as my wife (their mom) will mitigate. We would need to lie to create a deception for where we are going.
I appreciate you and this SR group. I have not reached out for help before... I'm terrified that my wife will read this and it will make circumstances worse.
- Anxiously (secretly) awaiting your advise/support.