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Married Father Looking For Advice

Old 06-22-2015, 05:51 PM
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Married Father Looking For Advice

Good Afternoon - I am a successful professional and have always thrived in my career however, my personal life is a different scenario. Our lives look like a fairy tale on the out-side but very different from the inside looking out.

I married my girlfriend of seven years two months ago. I was hesitant to marry her as she has struggled with alcoholism for most of our relationship. She has been to re-hab and been through the motions of AA but never stuck with it long enough to decide for herself if sobriety is what she wants. We have argued about her sobriety for 6 years now.

My story, not much unlike others, is one where I wake up with one person and fall asleep next to another. She drinks heavily and becomes a drastically different person. Anger, blame, deflection, hate, uncontrolled emotional outburst, and now physical abuse are the norm. My heart is filled with fear, disappointment, and disgust every time she drinks. Hearing her talk or be excited, happy, emotional about something when she is drunk drives me insane. It's not that I don't like to hear her excited, I simply know that tomorrow she wont be excited about it. Tomorrow she will wake up and be a different person. With no intention to do anything she said last night. To add insult to injury we are also raising two beautiful children. Our kids are now 10 and 12. They have witnessed all of these incidents indirectly or directly. When "mom" is drunk they know it. When "mom" is drunk and upset the neighborhood knows it. Our kids are old enough to have an opinion but for some reason my wife (mom) blames me for "instructing" them to have their negative opinion about her drinking...

Last Saturday was the first time that the cops showed up. I was at my wits end and decided early that morning to avoid conflict by isolating myself in my master bedroom. I locked the door and the slider that led to the back porch. This was my attempt to make a childish decision to avoid conflict.... I was wrong. At 1230 that night my wife decided that she had enough of me hiding from her and decided to force her way into the room. She hammered the door. Banged and screamed outside on the glass door. Even pretend to call the police and had a fake conversation with her phone. I decided that to avoid physical harm to myself (once she did beat the door down) to open the door and let her do what she needed... She stormed into the room locked the broken door and laughed at me... I wish that she would have stayed in there. At this time our children were wide awake and screaming at her to stop. She was screaming at them with a knife in her hand. She wanted them to come downstairs and start packing their bags. They knew to stay put and they did . The knife in the hand had me worried however. Seconds later there was a knock on the door. It was the cops... This was a first for me. Here it is 130 in the morning and my drunken wife answers the door to two cops. Kids upstairs crying and I'm shaking not knowing what twisted words she will tell the cops. To my surprise the cop asks me if he needed to take her somewhere else. I was unsure if she was going to tell the other officer that I hit her, hurt her.... her lies would have been the end of me and I would have been in the car. This is a scary thought!

I told the police officer no, he doesn't need to take her. I will make sure that she remains quiet and will do my best to avoid conflict with her. She was outside with the other officer for 10 minutes. I waited for her while in consoled our kids. Not much comfort that I could offer, but told them to shut their doors (unlocked) and we can talk in the morning when everything settles.

Wife enters the door crying. Five minutes and then she is back at it. This time with pans, banging them together, so as to keep me from going to sleep at 2 in the morning. I again warned her to stop as the cops will return and I cant stop them from taking you this time.... After a while of mean words shouted from one end of the house for me to hear, she eventually ran out of steam and fell asleep.

I know that I could have avoided this situation by not locking the door. I know that I could have surrounded myself with her rather than avoid her. I however cannot bear the thought of my beautiful wife transforming into a monster. Watching it happen is very sad to me. I do not want to be the enabler and watch/support her in her addiction.

This is one night of many that I have lived over the years and whats really bothering me is that she wakes up the next morning with no shame, no regret, no remorse for what she has done to her family. Her anger is now so aggressive that when she is sober the words are the same. Her emotions are muddled and lost. My wife is gone. My girlfriend of seven years is gone. My children are stuck.... What can I do to save my marriage and my family? I fear that this will take over my mind so much that I will eventually loose my job as a result. I have become a borderline narcissist as a result of all of this chaos. I am pretty sure I'm depressed and suffer daily from complete emotional shutdowns. Truth is she has become an Alcoholic Narcissist.

If there is any advise that you can offer that can help me and my children short/long term please let me know. Meetings are not something that we can do as my wife (their mom) will mitigate. We would need to lie to create a deception for where we are going.

I appreciate you and this SR group. I have not reached out for help before... I'm terrified that my wife will read this and it will make circumstances worse.

- Anxiously (secretly) awaiting your advise/support.
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Old 06-22-2015, 05:59 PM
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Omg.....get your kids out of there......my parents were alcoholics and they fought all the time.......I remember mostly specifically my father demoralizing my mother late at night when he thought everyone was sleeping. Hence my relationships w men have never worked out because after listening to that $hit......I don't trust them and I hate to say this........I have very little respect for them
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:00 PM
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I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't offer any advice but wanted you to know I read your post and empathize with your situation.
There are a lot of people on this forum who I'm sure will post with advice.
Please stick around.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:07 PM
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You need to leave this woman (or have her leave) and take care of yourself and those kids. Get out of this harmful situation. Protect the children and yourself from her drunken insanity and abusiveness.

Staying with her will not fix her problems.

You need to find the courage to leave or ask her to leave, if not for yourself, for the children who do not need to be further damaged by your wife's destructive addiction.

ETA: I agree with Least--probably would be best if you could get HER out of the house and you and the kids stay in the comfort of your home.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:08 PM
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Welcome to the SR family. I'm sorry you're living in such a nightmare. If push comes to shove, can you get away with the kids? They must be going thru hell watching mom's meltdowns. Can she leave? Can she be made to leave the house? Might be easier if she left than if you took the kids.

Do whatever you can to keep the kids safe. I hope you find some peace of mind.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by RevivingOphelia View Post
You need to leave this woman and take care of yourself and those kids. Get out of this harmful situation. Protect the children and yourself from her drunken insanity and abusiveness.

Staying will not fix her problems.

You need to find the courage to leave, if not for yourself, for the children who do not need to be further damaged by your wife's destructive addiction.
Ophelia is right.

I'm sorry you are in this dangerous situation. Please protect your children and yourself. Here's a link I found for some resources in the Bay Area. It looks like it could be a good place to start.

Hotline/Crisis Intervention | Mental Health Association San Francisco

Another option is to contact the United Way for help. It also would be wise to consult an attorney so that you can find a way to keep your children in your home -- they should not be the ones displaced.

Take good care. There are good people here. Check out the Friends and Family forum. They've been there, too.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:16 PM
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Thank you all for your fast responses!

Our children are from a previous marriage. We won custody of them after a very long custody battle with her ex husband. Long story short their father has not spoken, written, or had any communication with them for 6 + years! It would be a struggle for me to protect the kids if i chose to leave. This is my predicament.... When she is drunk they are her kids. I am the worst father in the world, etc, etc.

I'm very glad to hear that I'm not crazy!
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:21 PM
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No, you're not crazy. But living in that situation might make you crazy. Are you listed on the custody papers for the kids or is it just for her? She sounds very destructive. Not good for the kids to witness.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:24 PM
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did you adopt them yet? If not adopt them. Send her to rehab and don't let her back in the house till she finishes.......she's got to go.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:28 PM
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Having been one of those kids I wish a parent woulda stepped up and removed me fromt he monster in the house but in my case no one ever did. Lucky for me when i was about 17 my parents split and my step father left it was the best thing he coulda ever done for me but it was well over a decade of hell. i've spend many years learning how to function as a normal person since etc..

Have i survived yeah I guess but my mother is worse for the wear and so is my brother. I also ended up with a drinking problem and drug issues and so on not that iits my stepfathers fault but I'm sure those sorts of things didnt help matters.

having been one of those kids I'm telling you its very very hard on them. If she cant get it in check you'd be doing them a favor by getting them out of there.

But if you do nothing the decision could be made for you next itme the cops show up CPS might be with them and I hate to say it it might be a good thing> I wish i new about something like CPS when i was a kid I woulda called them myself.

and you yourself have to be going bonkers living in a situation like this. Sounds like hell to me. Do you wanna live this way? Cause I'm telling you that you dont have too.

I have a friend of mine his wife went nuts one night called the cops said he beat her and she had broken some dishes to make it look bad etc.. cops made him do a night in jail etc..

Maybe stay with some friends for a few days to clear your head?
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:30 PM
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Wow man! I would try everything in my power to get yourself and those kids away from her. Beating down doors, running around the house with a knife??!! This is very serious, all your lives are in danger.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:30 PM
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just to add you and your kids should feel /safe/ and at peace in your own home. I can only imagine its like walking on eggshells in your house i bet. YIKES. No matter the outcome it will be hard on them and you but you all deserve a nice safe and peaceful home.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:32 PM
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Hi BayArea, I usually avoid relationship threads because I think they are sacred ground but feel compelled to comment, it is as follows:

Holy crap! This is serious man. I commend you for your tolerance, but I believe you need to take action. Separation at the very least. This is scarring your kids (I had parents that had brawled all night as well in my teenage years). It also concerns me that there is no remorse or regret on her part, she sounds oblivious that she is WAY off track and that this is not normal behavior. It doesn't even seem that marriage counseling would be an option because you would be truthful and she would lie and probably start to fight right then and there. I am sorry to be so blunt but her behavior is shameful to put it mildly. You and your children do not deserve this. You guys don't want to live your life like this (I would assume). Lastly, I believe this is not only toxic but bordering on dangerous. Take some action, I can't tell you what to do as it is your marriage not mine. But I wish you the best. your OP was intense. I wish you the very best man.
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:41 PM
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I really appreciate all of you and your support.

I have no friends as we have recently moved from Seattle to San Francisco... I may have to get a hotel and fly the kids home for the summer.

I am not sure what i am going to do yet but I am surely glad that you are all receptive to me on this subject. I have been listening to her tell me that her drinking is my fault. Her drinking is because I have caused turmoil... My head hurts from all the blame and narcissism.

Sounds like I will also need to hire a lawyer to help me protect the kids. CPS is not a good thing and once that process starts there is no good outcome... but in reading my post I can see what the situation looks like.

Again, thank you all for your support!!!
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:48 PM
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I feel the same way.... you and the kids need to stay safe. And yes avoid CPS.

Hopefully one day she can turn her life around but until then she can't hold you all hostage while the boat sinks.......
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Old 06-22-2015, 06:50 PM
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Absolutely do what you can for those children. Get a lawyer and go from there. You say the neighbors are aware of the problem, as well as the police so that should be favourable for you to take care of those children. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, but those children need a voice.
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Old 06-22-2015, 07:01 PM
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Anna - Thank you. I have always stayed because of my kiddo's. I will make sure that they are protected. I just haven't figured it out yet. It scares me that many who have responded see this as more dangerous than I have realized. Now I'm scared that maybe she may go even further if provoked. I'm getting ready to go home now and not looking forward to opening the front door.

I'm so glad that I have you folks here to communicate with.
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Old 06-22-2015, 07:01 PM
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My heart breaks for you because of the situation you're in and please know that I am praying for you. My heart also breaks because the woman you just described sounds exactly like me when I drink.

I won't give you an opinion on what to do, but I will tell you that until I wanted sobriety for myself (while still early), nothing would have changed me. She has to want it. And if she doesn't, maybe re-evaluate and start putting the kids and yourself first. Prayers and hugs.
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Old 06-22-2015, 07:19 PM
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BayArea2015 - I can't say much more beyond what's already been said. You mentioned you have no friends in SF as you've recently moved here. Well, I'm in SF, and if you ever want to meet up just to have somebody listen over coffee or whatever I'm happy to. Feel free to message me.

Hope tonight goes ok.
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Old 06-22-2015, 07:26 PM
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Oh my, BayArea.... This is not good! You need to get a lawyer and figure out what to do. If she is running around with knives in her hands and banging down doors with a hammer, there's no telling what could happen. This is definitely a very dangerous situation and you need to protect your kids and yourself. When she acts up like this, call the police on her yourself! There is already a record that they have been there before and they will definitely take her away if they need to. Don't be afraid to let that happen. I feel for you and your situation. Be safe!
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