Father's Day
Good morning and thank you all for already helping me as I have lurked a while now and read your posts and comments. It's encouraging to at least know I am not alone.
My husband and I married at 19, almost 22 years ago. We have three daughters -- the oldest just graduated and is bound for college this fall, the middle will be a sophomore, and the baby will be in 3rd grade. Today, being Father's Day, is a tough one. I scroll through social media and I see almost everyone posting about their wonderful husbands and how amazing they are as fathers. I see my girls' friends posting sweet things about their daddies, and I know that nothing like that is going to be shared by my oldest girls. (I should probably ditch Facebook at least!)
They didn't ask for an addict dad. The hardest thing about our oldest graduating this year was looking back and knowing that WE didn't provide her with absolutely everything we could have (not materially, but emotionally and family-wise). I have enabled my AH to live a pretty comfortable life despite his more frequent episodes of meth use (he's at about once a week to 10 days, not coming home at least one or two nights during this time), job instability (fired in May this last time but they approved unemployment), sleeping 36-48 hours at a time (I just close the bedroom door), and on his "good" days smoking pot and binge watching Netflix.
I am going to begin working on me. That's all I can do. He will never leave -- I've made things too easy. He will acknowledge (occasionally) that he is a functioning addict by which he means he contributes financially. He plans to continue to do what he's doing indefinitely because he is a "grown a$$ man" and he isn't hurting anybody. He rages about once every 3-4 months, but largely he stays away when he is high on speed. He misses events, he is rarely present and engaged with the girls even when he's home. They're old enough now to understand what's going on.
I am a teacher, involved in our church, and keeping a great big not-so-secret. It's draining and I know you all know that. I have 8 therapy sessions available to me free of charge throug our employee assistance program, so I might just start there. I haven't completely given up on our life together, but my hope is wearing very thin. He has to overcome his own addiction and the mindset that it's ok because this is what his parents have basically taught him to do.
So, thank you for listening this morning. If today is hard for you as well, you're in good company. We do have some plans, but since he came in about 4 this morning who knows what will actually happen? I am praying for a peaceful day regardless.