Hi there toomuch,
I'm sorry to hear you are hurting and feeling alone or lonely. Addiction is such a lonely disease. I think that's part of why it's so hard to stop. It's a vicious cycle. Feel lonely...drink....feel lonelier....drink...and on and on....
I know from past experience that once you get your head above water and put some time between you and your last drink it starts getting better. Lots better! Unfortunately "knowing" that isn't always enough for me. I've been struggling too but I'm finding that "action" is the only thing the really works.
I related to what you said about knowing that the alcohol will make you feel worse but just wanting a few hours of relief from the pain. I understand your struggle. I don't have any magic answers but I can offer my prayers...for both of us!
Hang in there. We can climb out of this hell.