John - maybe you've gone now? ...posts seem to have their own life i notice, and peter out after a time. Anyway, I've come into your post rather late. But, if you are still reading, I wanted to say this to you...
That I felt every word you described yesterday. Especially, about feeling alone, and your frustration that so many others around you talk about loneliness only in the next breath to be talking about calling in on friends or having family around or getting together with 'someone' - anyone. And how that can feel a million miles away from your own version of aloneness. I know how that feels. And, it's such a killer feeling. But...i also recognise an awful lot in what Endgame was saying...that there will be something within you that demonstrates itself when you try to be with other people sometimes...that shows up in the interaction with them?... That is saying something to them about how you feel about yourself other than what you are meaning to convey. Phew that was a long sentence! This is my interpretation on some of Endgames thoughts anyway. Gleaned from my own experience of the kind of despairing loneliness you describe. I think there's gonna be something about the way you really feel about yourself - way deep down that will be coming across in your efforts to communicate with others. I am battling myself in getting to know some of this about how I interact with others. Like you, I have no family - historic, or current, and no partner.... I have a couple of long-term friends, but i too can go for days when not working, or most evenings, without a call or anyone knocking at my door, and like you feel i have recently been trying to reach out in a different way to others...but that it just doesnt change anything. I can feel in deep despair about that.
My time is full of working with others to help them...and although I believe I am good at what I do, and like you also feel I quite like myself and like my own company, and I know I look after myself in other ways... However, i am also now coming to see (in the beginnings of early sobriety) that there is something else that probably happens when I come into the company of others - where the possibility is of me getting to know them as a buddy, friend or companion...that is different from what i think is happening. I am beginning to wonder whether these times get clouded by some messages I am sending out unconsciously about what I want or how strongly I need it? - that ultimately put people off, or confuse them, or tells them other than what I intend. Reading your posts, I wondered whether this may be happening with you too? Maybe like me, your early life didn't teach you much about bonding, about being loved, or how to love back? The world is an incredibly tough place to live for those of us who have this early experience? Because the world around us doesn't really get it, John. But I don't want to assume this is part of your own history...
I echo Endgame and others' suggestion of trying therapy - even if you have tried it before....printing out these pages and taking them along as a starter would be something - an easy way to get into how you are feeling.. Or, maybe try group therapy? I am going to try a group for myself to see what i learn in the company of more than just one other person (i've had a lot of one to one therapy over the years). It'll be safer in group therapy to express how you might find others in relation to you. And safer to hear from them what it is they read in you when you are in their space...you know?
A long post, sorry but I hope something in it speaks to you. I also you are ok in yourself now - at least for a bit. I send you my thoughts of kindredship through the ether. LB