I know very well what you mean John - I was there for years.
I'm not speaking hypothetically or from some ivory tower when I write to you.
I hated myself - but I resented the world for not holding me to its bosom too
There was a strange mixture of loathing and arrogance there.
I think looking back I put out a vibe that wasn't a reflection of the true me. I'd forgotten who the true me was.
so instead I put that this strange 'come here go away' vibe that reflected the mess I was in then.
The only way I found I could rediscover the real me was not to drink and do whatever else I had to to keep my self sober.
After a while the vibe I put out must have changed too, because once I learned to love myself again, other people came along to tell me how much they loved me too
Drinking is not helping you take care of your feelings. I think you know that as much as I did.
It's just the only thing you feel prepared to do right now. ...
You need to stop this cycle John because it's not getting you anywhere and it's not helping you deal with anything.
D