Bob, just to elaborate on this rules v. boundaries thing: a rule attempts to control someone else's behavior (which we know you can't really control), while a boundary is a statement of how YOU will behave and what you're willing to put up with. So a rule would be "my wife is not allowed to drink in the house." A boundary would be "I will not live with my wife while she is drinking. If she chooses to drink, I will consult an attorney and find a way to either move out or keep the house and she can leave." In the first case, it's about what she does, and in the second case it's about what you do. That's what Lexie is talking about when she says you have to have a plan B. Because if you tell your wife you won't live with her drinking, and she continues to drink, then you have to find a way to not live with her drinking or you're just making empty threats and not really enforcing a boundary.
Anyway, I hear you that you aren't prepared to leave right now, but it couldn't hurt to talk to a lawyer, just to know your options. I've heard you catastrophize a lot about what would happen if you did decide to try to separate yourself from the marriage--you might be charged with kidnapping, you might be forced to leave the house, might lose custody of your son, etc. Why not just get an opinion from an expert about what might actually happen, so you can consider your options based on something more realistic than your worst fears? It doesn't mean you have to pursue it.