Please keep in mind that no one can decide the path of this. We all know the statistics. We see the results. We have seen spouses get on board, and not.
Lexie makes some good points that all options are painful in their own way, even recovery. That is true. I think sometimes that in trying to figure out what to do we forget we are already living in pain. So what's the difference? You started this thread because your wife threatened to acuse you of abusing her. Throughout this thread are many painful things. You already live this way Bob.
My perspective of this thread is not that everyone is telling you to accept she is a lost cause, rather to accept you cannot change her. 200 posts in you still are not.
and still will make any efforts I can before throwing in the towel". The effort you can make, which has been mentioned 100 times, you aren't doing. You are codependent. You are trying to manage and control this. You can't. If you will take the focus off of her, and put the focus on you things WILL change. You seem to think your only option is to divorce. You have boxed yourself in to this mindset. I also think longterm living with an active alcoholic is very difficult though there are people who do so and its ok for them - so the correct viewpoint is its just not ok for me. It may be ok for you, but it will never be unless you get some help with how to.
Would you consider going to a therapist that specializes in dealing with addiction within a family? This is something that all will benefit from particularly your son, even if he doesn't go and only you do.