I think we've all teetered between the two worlds. And my relapses always had "good excuses' attached to them. I easily gave myself permission to relapse when something would devastate me. It was also easier when I was not admitting the problem out loud and having others hold me accountable. My current sobriety will soon hit six months (longest stretch ever) and I made a TON of changes right from the outset at this point. AA was there right away, Doctor's visit on first day, and sat husband down to tell him the extent of it (ie, I do most of my drinking when you go to sleep, I wake up hungover every day). I have told my closest friends that I go out with. While my kids ask why I no longer drink wine with dinner, I just told them I realized it wasn't healthy for me, and lately it was making my stomach woozy, so it must be bad. They haven't really questioned it more than that.
Because I have created a world of support and accountability, if I'm even near a table with beverages that include alcohol my husband will catch my eye -(I'm 99% of the time not even tempted or thinking about it as there are other things like Perrier there), but it's still a subtle reminder from my accountability gang. I can't do this alone is what I'm trying to ramble out here. It's the support system that helps me through each day. AA is great for me, but it's not everything, and I don't really believe I will be visiting quite so much in time.
That doesn't mean the hard knocks don't come my way, or that I don't get let down or pushed around. It happens, more than I'd like to talk about. But now I go home and talk. I call someone and talk. I am learning to let it out and breathe. I also added meditation, just being in my body every day.
You can do this if I can. I was pretty bad. I can't get that time back, but I'm sure if you asked my family and friends today they'd happily tell you that I'm a different person the last six months. I don't want to lose her. She actually cares about others, truly. She makes sure her actions don't harm others. She feels, she digests, and she lives. A full life.
I wish this for you too