Thanks Cissy, Casey, and Allie.
Cissy, you called BS. It's funny how it never seems or feels that way in the moment until someone else brings it to your attention. Thank you. I have a plan but I'm beginning to think it sucks.
Casey, thank you. I know you're right. I struggle with the notion that I'm in control of whether I take that first drink or not. In that moment when presented with an opportunity I shut down. I completely detach from my body and inside I'm screaming, "don't do it. Run away" but I watch myself pick up and drink as I sit paralyzed in my own head. Recoiling into myself I'm sure developed when I was younger and got scared but it's hindering me now. It sounds like a cop out and maybe it is. I struggle to bring myself out of it though and that scares me. About the sleep issues, I haven't addressed them with a doctor. In some twisted way I feel I deserve to suffer through it.
Allie, hope I didn't contribute to your anxious state.