(Sorry about the double post. Horrible phone internet connection right now. )
Copper, there is nothing magical about 21 days that makes you more liable to choose to take that first drink then. It's no different than day 8 or day 14 or day 28 or day 787. Don't build that day up to be anything more than it is: another ordinary day.
Now don't get me wrong, I've made the same declarations over and over again. It's hard not to make those associations in our heads. Did it in here over the last month--"Days 7 to 11 are always a danger zone for me...I've drank on day 39 at least three or four times...same with day 54...never made it past day 69..." But I'm starting to realize today that's just my addiction trying to plan my relapse in advance. And that none of those predictions will come true as long as I don't take that first drink no matter what.
I'm coming to realize that acceptance is a huge key for me. Accepting that yes I am an alcoholic but as long as I don't take that first drink I won't lose control and take that second or third or tenth drink. Accepting that I'm not going to take that first drink no matter what.
I know I keep repeating those three words "no matter what" in all my posts but they're of the most vital importance to me today. They're a reminder that the first drink is the one that I always have ultimate control over and that there is no destiny or inevitable collision out there silently waiting for me. I really don't have to get drunk today...as long as I don't choose to take that first drink.
Sometimes that "no matter what" is a struggle, some days it's a full out battle, some days it's easy for me to accept. But all days it's a truth. And I do believe the hundreds and hundreds of recovering alcoholics on this site and at AA meetings (which I'm not attending this time, at least for now) who say that time diminishes the battles. One day at a time.
If you're not sleeping because of night terrors, that's probably a huge issue for you. I know nothing about sleep problems so can't say too much. Have you sought medical attention?
As for others deciding to drink again, you have no control over their choice. And we don't really know what was going on in their minds or lives that led to that decision. But we do know that they didn't like what they found in the bottle and chose to come back in here and make that daily commitment to sobriety again. And we also know there are many recovering alcoholics here who have not made that decision to drink again for continuous days and months and years and years.
Thank you for your honesty in your thought-provoking post. Been typing this on my phone so it probably doesn't make much sense, but I wanted you to know that I got a lot out of what you had to say and am sorry you're hurting right now. I'm here to help as much as I can.