Day 16.
Simply put, I'm struggling. 8am and I'm struggling. I thought about just leaving it at that. But, since I can't hold the attention of anyone in my life for more than 5 seconds at a time unless I've wrecked a car, ended up in jail or in hospital, here is the only place I've got to share any of my inner garbage. At least here you can choose to read or skip over the half- masticated thoughts I regurgitate.
Currently, drinking is the foremost thought in my mind and simultaneously the furthest thought from it. I don't entirely understand it myself but that's how it seems to be. These thoughts, along with lack of sleep due to night terrors and hyperactive anxiety due largely in part I'm sure to coming up on day 21 (the day I always blow it) has left me feeling defeated.
All of this is compounded by the increasing amount of threads here lately of people with extended periods of sobriety picking up the bottle again. People whom I view, as I view all people (myself excluded) that have certain innate capabilities. Such as the knowledge/skills to survive in this world, strength, courage, varying degrees of self-love, or at least some semblance of self-preservation. If people who possess such things can't seem to stay away from the bottle, what hope is there for me? I have no such capabilities or qualities and have only once even made it to the 30 day mark of my own volition. My 16 month stint of sobriety I don't count as it was forced and in a highly controlled environment. I learned nothing of myself and had no joy in abstinence. I was simply an addict who was stripped of their drugs and alcohol.
On top of that, aren't we all ever just one drink away from ruining ourselves regardless of time sober? Will I forever fear what lies in the shadows? Feeling a compulsion to check over my shoulder?
I'm not sure I've got what it takes to do this for my entire life. I don't want to forever fight the compulsion to drink and self-destruct. I don't want to resign and accept the fact that I'm an addict of many faces. Right now, I'm not sure what I do want.
It's all a bit too much at the moment.