Where is my head at on day 30??
I am proud of myself for making it this far and yet sad because I feel like it is something to celebrate and I don't know how to celebrate without it. Very confusing! I did have a cheeseburger with my daughter though which is out of the ordinary for me so that was kind of special.
I feel like it will be hard to keep going now since I reached such a huge milestone. Good job, you proved that you could do it, so now you can stop trying so hard. I don't want to feel that way.
On the other hand, every time I think about it, I think of spending another day feeling sick and tired and emotionally distraught and wasting the day away. That usually helps turn my thought process pretty quickly.
So why is it that I feel like I am missing something when I don't want my life to be like that anyway? That is something I will never understand about alcoholism. How can you hate something so much but yet desire it so much that it consumes you. How can you let something take so much of your life from you and keep going back to it? How can you miss something that destroys you physically and emotionally?
How long will it take until I don't feel like there is something missing? I don't want to drink. I like my sober life. I love not feeling like crap all the time, I love the fact that I am not in fear of losing my husband every weekend, and I love the fact that my daughter consistently knows which one of her moms she is getting each day. But there is a void that needs filled. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, TV, internet... all of those things fill time and basic needs but they don't make up for the thing that is missing. The thing I depended on for entertainment and comfort for so long is gone.
I made it a month. I want to make it forever. I need a new Z to keep going forward. I need some new ideas??