TennantSmith

My morning started off so well. Then around 11:00 am, my youngest comes home early, complaining of difficulty breathing. I checked her out and she began wheezing pretty badly. I called the EMT's and her stats were good, so we could drive her to the ER. She had some inflammation leftover from her cold last week. A good breathing treatment and some steroids and she's good to go.

The issue is her father: I called my ex-husband and he was annoyed that I called. His complaint "I'm sick too!" Didn't show any concern, didn't call to check up on her, nothing. After all, he's sick. But now, he's out with his girlfriend. I'm angry because he keeps hurting the girls and I cannot do anything to stop him. They love him. They get angry with him. I just continue to be there and love them.

I have to let go of my expectations of him. I divorced him for how he treated me. I never thought he'd treat our daughters that way. I was wrong. I wasn't upset he didn't come to the ER. There was no need. It was handled. I'm angry that he didn't show a single bit of concern. But he's well enough to go out with his girlfriend. He always chooses them over the girls. ALWAYS. 4 "serious' relationships in a year and a half. 4. But he'll always choose them over his daughters.

So I vented to a friend. I took a walk. Took some deep breaths. I cannot control this. I cannot fix it. I can only continue to be a good parent, a present parent. He'll reap what he's sowing one day. He already admitted, after the divorce, he knew he blew it with me. I guess he hasn't learned his lesson. He knows no matter what he does, right now, they love him. They want his love so badly. So he loses nothing. YET.

Anyway, they're my monkeys, but not my circus. I think the girls and I may take off for a weekend in a couple of weeks. Get away, relax, do some antique/vintage store shopping. Try new foods. Maybe get a pedicure. Just breathe finally after a very long, very stressful, very painful 2 years.

good lord, thank God for sobriety right now. If I was drunk, I can guarantee things wouldn't be so calm right now.