Honesty & fighting that urge
Hi everyone,
I haven't been around much lately but I have been reading a lot.
I have started going back to AA meetings and got a sponsor, but to be perfectly honest, I haven't fully committed. I have spoken to my sponsor and I'm absolutely on step one and that's fine by me as I didn't get it at all last time!
Anyway, there are two things I'm really struggling with and I don't think they're exclusive to AA, so I'm posting here:
Firstly, I feel a huge sense of shame when admitting something to my sponsor. She's a cool lady, but I feel so awful telling her about the things I have done. I haven't broken the law or anything, but I have behaved like a total idiot.
Secondly, I can't seem to get through the day. I mean, I had a short period of time sober, then drank, now I have a short period sober, but I have to take it hour by hour let alone day by day, and I just feel like I must be doing something wrong. I'm struggling, to be honest. I'm struggling to be sober. Most of my friends have a year plus in recovery and don't seem to have that daily or hourly struggle in a huge way like I do.
I have a job interview coming up, I hang out with friends in recovery, I'm doing 90 in 90...things are good...but I still find myself comparing my recovery to someone else's.
I just need some positivity to be honest. I'm at another meeting tomorrow morning. I'm not giving up. I'm here and in AA, but I'm just having one of those evenings where I can't make sense of anything.