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Honesty & fighting that urge

Old 05-29-2015, 11:25 AM
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Honesty & fighting that urge

Hi everyone,

I haven't been around much lately but I have been reading a lot.

I have started going back to AA meetings and got a sponsor, but to be perfectly honest, I haven't fully committed. I have spoken to my sponsor and I'm absolutely on step one and that's fine by me as I didn't get it at all last time!

Anyway, there are two things I'm really struggling with and I don't think they're exclusive to AA, so I'm posting here:

Firstly, I feel a huge sense of shame when admitting something to my sponsor. She's a cool lady, but I feel so awful telling her about the things I have done. I haven't broken the law or anything, but I have behaved like a total idiot.

Secondly, I can't seem to get through the day. I mean, I had a short period of time sober, then drank, now I have a short period sober, but I have to take it hour by hour let alone day by day, and I just feel like I must be doing something wrong. I'm struggling, to be honest. I'm struggling to be sober. Most of my friends have a year plus in recovery and don't seem to have that daily or hourly struggle in a huge way like I do.

I have a job interview coming up, I hang out with friends in recovery, I'm doing 90 in 90...things are good...but I still find myself comparing my recovery to someone else's.

I just need some positivity to be honest. I'm at another meeting tomorrow morning. I'm not giving up. I'm here and in AA, but I'm just having one of those evenings where I can't make sense of anything.
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Old 05-29-2015, 12:32 PM
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You can do this Jane!!

For me I needed to focus on me and my own journey, everyone else had their own path, methods, journey, I needed to stop focusing on all that and go at things one day at a time in my own way!!

Just remember everyone had to go through their first hour, their first day, their first week, we've all been there and know how hard it is, you're amongst people who understand!!
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Old 05-29-2015, 12:36 PM
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Jane, I'm glad you're here.

I think the main thing to focus on is you and what you need to make your recovery work. I don't use AA but if you're worried about what your sponsor thinks of you, it may be using energy that could help you get through the day. If ever there is a time to be selfish, this is it. And, keep reading and posting.
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Old 05-29-2015, 12:40 PM
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I can relate to the shame in admitting stuff to my sponsor. Bc of my upbringing there are still certain things I feel "bad" about doing-even tho my sponsors never shamed me for any of them . I've done the same thing with therapisys, wanting to withhold information From them .
comparing myself to others in recovery was always harmful - they say if you want to compare your self to anybody compare yourself to "the old" you and where you used to mbe.
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Old 05-29-2015, 12:41 PM
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You didn't act like an idiot, alcohol did. Without that we will all be just fine.
Stay strong JaneLane.
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Old 05-29-2015, 12:43 PM
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Jane:

If something makes you feel bad then perhaps you shouldn't do it. If your feeling shame....and I can relate to that....God knows I was out of my mind when I drank and very loosely holding down the fort sober.......don't talk about it to her.....maybe write it down in a journal to release it...... Focus on positive stuff.....maybe she's not the sponsor for you.......you have to try differents things to find out what's right for you. Soberity is an adventure!
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Old 05-29-2015, 12:47 PM
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It is a struggle in the beginning for everyone. It just takes time, patience and the determination to not give in no matter how strong the cravings are. The good thing is you have people around you that have been there. You have people here that have been through this as well.
I wouldn't recommend comparing sobriety since everyone's process is different and it can be discouraging. Just keep on focusing on moving yourself forward and realizing if you don't pick up, you don't have to go through this ever again.
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Old 05-29-2015, 01:10 PM
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You can get there, you are comparing yourself to others-you need to stop doing that if you can. You have your own path. I struggle with this too. It's really hard as its low self esteem (a trait often found in alcoholics I've read-you feel inferior and low and drink to compensate). Remember you are special-you don't need validation-you will get there! Hour by hour is great-people are wired differently. Whatever works is good-just keep sober because you are worth it!
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Old 05-29-2015, 01:11 PM
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Didn't read the above before I posted, you have two almost identical experiences-it must be true lol x
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