Wow, I am happy to see you both still here.
Just when I was going on and on about not even thinking about drinking anymore, last weekend happened. I don't know if it was hormonal, or in the stars, or just a build up, but Pity Party Resentful Sad Bored Pissed DD reared her ugly head and a big case of the "F-its" was happening in my head. "My life is so boring and only about everybody else's lives and I don't have any fun anymore and my husband I have become Ma and Pa Dragons, yada yada yada." And sadly this huge part of me wanted to slam a few drinks, quit my job, run away to an ashram and start all over again on a new planet. Did I mention that I am a middle aged woman in her forties who is probably very menopausal??? Anyway, this week I feel very in love with my husband, happy with my job and my kids and feel no need to rock the boat. I am so happy that I didn't add drinks to the mix over the weekend.
I read something on-line from an alcoholic's blog a few days ago, that sadly was an "a-ha" moment for me. As someone approaching 2 years of sobriety, I don't think this should have been a revelation, but it was and it was important because when the "F-its" float around in my head (and I have to come to acceptance with they will probably never totally go away), I need ammunition against them and any ideas of moderation. This was her quote that I wrote in my sobriety journal:
What makes me an alcoholic is that when I put booze into my system, I don't know what is going to happen. I lose the choice to make a choice and my life becomes unmanageable and I always pay the price. When I am sober and make mistakes, they are MY mistakes and not some drunken, damaged part of me.
Why this was eye opening to me was the realization that it is never the sober DD that makes the choice to have the second drink, third, fourth, bottle, shot etc. etc. After one drink, drunken damaged me takes over with the decision making and I cannot trust her at all. I think in previous thoughts of moderation, I think in my rational mind, "Well, I will just limit myself to 1-2" and sometimes I was able to do that, but I could never be sure because after one drink, hell, after one sip of alcohol, Rational DD changes places and lets Drunken Damaged DD take over the wheel.
Bottom line, I like the choices Rational Sober DD makes for herself, even when she gets moody and bored and sad and frumpy. Drunken Damaged DD is not trustworthy or predictable or safe or sane and she should NEVER be in the driver's seat.
I hope this doesn't sound too psychotic. I guess this is what everyone always meant by the AV but for some reason this concept only became crystal clear to me this past week, well past my 18 months of sobriety. Wow.
Anyway, guys I was getting too cocky and I need you. Please let's agree to not quite give up on our forum just yet!!