Thank you all very much! And I mean that. It saddens me to learn that others share my story, but it also reminds me that I am not alone.
I think we all live life with a "lens" based on experience but also based on personality traits, inherent or learned or both. In my case, I think I must have been born a person who always thinks of others first, even to my own detriment. I am highly aware of what other people think, feel etc.
Just a small example. When I was about 12 years old I had paper route. One of my customers was a woman who had elephantitis (extreme swelling of the legs). I felt so badly for her. She said she rarely got outside because she needed a wheelchair and couldn't afford one. So part of my delivery route were businesses. I decided to see if I could collect enough donations from the businesses to get her a used wheelchair. I finally gathered enough money to get her the chair, but come to realize, she was too frightened to go outside, wheelchair or not. I was devastated. Not because I spent all that effort on her, but that I wasn't able to help her in a way she needed.
So I guess I expect people to be the same way and when it is not reciprocated, I get hurt. Over and over. Some say I am a martyr... I get off on feeling that people have failed me. I don't agree. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations... but they are mine. I cannot be something else. I don't know if this makes any sense to you all. I am trying to explain myself, but to what end I don't know.
Thanks for listening and responding. I am sorry if this sounds smarmy or phony. It is not.