Hi Shell,
There are LOTS of ways to kid oneself. I've been doing it for years. It hasn't gotten better, but worse. And even though a particular incidence that causes me shame might fade over time, collectively they all add up to produce greater shame. I was talking with my sponsor yesterday, and I asked him how long it was really bad for him before he stopped drinking. He said six weeks. OMG!! I could not believe only six weeks. I guess I have a smart sponsor. He recognized his "problem," (whatever you want to call it, makes no difference to ME) and stopped. I tried to explain to him how years of shame and feeling bad are harder and he was basically unimpressed. I guess the deal is, it's just better to stop, no matter how many incidences one has. Good luck and good to see you here!
SC
One more point I'd like to make. Several incidents that were bad took place YEARS ago, IOW, the most shameful ones. So I could try to fool myself and say I've gotten better. Thing is, my shame has intensified, as I've continued to do things this way, in spite of years of "research." Why? Because I haven't learned, have kept drinking, and wasted a lot of time. Just wanted to add that.