graywh1teblue

I'm new to this site as a member, but Ive been coming here for advice and encouragement a lot this past month... I guess I will start with my story...
Well two years ago i began seeing this guy who introduced me to Oxy...We would snort a few 30s when we would hang out and I really didn't feel hooked or anything...like I could just take it or leave it... Well 14 months ago I got kicked out from my home for coke and weed and immediately moved in with my boyfriend (the one who introduced me to opiates) and we began doing them every single day. I know it sounds like maybe he pressured me or something but I was the one asking him every night after work if we could go get 4 or 5. In a little over a months time i emptied my savings account(3,500) and spent all my earnings on the pills...we started falling behind on our bills and we would spend about 20 bucks on food for the whole week...it got to where we would pay for cigarettes in ******* pennys...well about 6 more months went by and we still had not even gone one day without AT LEAST 3 pills.
I remember the first time I realized this was more than just something we enjoyed doing...I remember we were on the highway driving the 45 min drive to the ****** motel and I remember I couldnt sit still because every muscle was just uncomfortable and aching...I thought maybe I was getting the flu or was just overworked but when we got there, he had "forgotten" about us and was on the way out of town for a few days. I started screaming and yelling at my boyfriend saying "you knew this would happen!" completely blaming him for our junkie dealers actions... I guess it was that moment when I realized I more than wanted it...i needed it to be the happy and laidback girl he fell in love with.
I didn't know had bad our money situation was until one day I opened my boyfriends' mail and saw how behind we were on utilities and several credit cards were completely maxed out. We had even started to make plans to wean off and get clean but every ******* time we would cut back the pills one day the next we would be out of control and do up to 10 30s...We got to the point where we would owe 3 different dealers hundreds of dollars.
Well one day we were on break and chilling with this guy who also does oxy, and he asked if I had ever done dope...of course my boyfriend has in the past, but it had been several years for him. Heroin was the ONLY drug i have not touched my entire life. I used to think meth was my official drug of choice and I could easily take it or leave it. But that day I did something I said I would NEVER do. I had known of several people in my city who had OD on heroin and either died or were permanently disabled. I would never touch something so wrong, so dirty...
A couple weeks went by and my boyfriend and I were now doing dope 3 times a day instead of oxy 3 times a day...we thought it was okay because we were spending less money and we would even throw up almost everyday from it but we didnt care...at least when we were puking our guts out, we were too high too care.
Another several months went by and now we are in February 2015...on the 6th of February we were sick as hell because our dealer wasnt answering and we didnt have enough money to get more than one pill if we tried the other guy so we waited it out, knowing he would call us back as soon as he could. well he did late that night and said he has some new **** and its white so we drive out there to the spot and waited for hours...i mean we were waiting till 3am when we finally said **** this and went home. The next day he finally calls back and he's like man im sorry i got news that this **** is no good. im gonna take it back and get something different. Well the next day we blow his phone up again and he acted like he didn't want to sell to us so we begged him to. Well he finally came through and we got a gram. It was the white stuff...I didn't think too much of it like maybe he did get different stuff and this is just white also...Well we did a tiny line and my boyfriend went to work and I went home. I got a call a couple hours later telling me to come get him because he is non stop throwing up. I felt sick but never threw up or anything...Several hours later we both felt fine and decided to do more...he asked me if i wanted to save some for in the morning or just do the rest and get super high tonight...of course i pured the rest onto the table... He hit his, I hit mine. I instantly was ****** UP ..I remember asking him to hand me the water and he didnt respond. I was like BABY HAND ME THE WATER and laughed...then I finally looked over to him and he was slumped over on the couch. I ran over to him and he was not breathing or responding. I called 911 and they had me give him chest compressions until the ambulance got there. He was completely blue and in the middle of doing the compressions i started to throw up BAD and i remember not being able to keep my eyes open very long. When the paramedics got there, i knew it was bad...they didnt think he was going to make it. I later learned at the hospital that he was DEAD when they arrived..i know they gave him some sort of shot and somehow he began throwing up and slowly regained consciousness...I can't keep from crying while typing this...i cant get his blue face out of my ******* head. ..well they started to arrest me and search our house. but once they learned that he was 10 years older than me, they seemed to change their mind and said there was no way i could have pressured him or something...i still dont understand why they would arrest me in the first place. i just watched the love of my life die and come back and YES I DO FEEL IT IS MY FAULT. I probably always will feel that way...I'm the one who chose to do all of our dope instead of just a little...

He is doing much better today. I was told by every one that worked on him that he was the luckiest man alive. apparently there had been 3 or 4 ODs earlier that night and he was the only one who survived.....We vowed to get clean. Never again will we do any sort of opiate.
Then only two days later we vowed never to touch dirty drugs again...only weed and pills...
Well its now the end of May and we have been doing 4 to 5 30s every day again since the OD...Thankfully we never touched dope again, although these pills are ruining my life just as much.

3 weeks ago i lost my job. we had no choice but to cut down to one pill each a day.
2 weeks ago we successfully cut down to splitting one pill a day.
Then Sunday, 3 days ago, we sold my car for 1000 bucks and have been on a complete oxy binge these past few days...Im not going to lie, I love it. I love being stressfree and actually high!!! i guess our tolerance went down some and i got high for the first time doing opiates since we first started doing dope.

But I also hate myself. We were doing so well cutting down and the future was starting to look bright. towards the end of the second week when we were only doing 15 mg each, I remember waking up one morning and my body didn't hurt for once...i was able to get things done without relying on a pill. But now i feel as though I am back to the beginning with a long dark road ahead of me. Someone please help me feel better. I have NO ONE i can talk to about this. Talking with my boyfriend about it only leads to one of us getting mad or upset.

...

After typing this a friend of ours came by and just flat out GAVE us 18 7.5mg tabs so my boyfriend and I's idea is to use those to wean off in 4 days. today we took 3 each when we woke up ...definitely isn't doing **** except it made me feel less overall ******. I should be thankful. 4 months ago 3 tabs wouldn't even budge the WD...

The plan is 3 tabs each today...2 each tomorrow and day 3...one each day 4...then thats it...Is this going to work? I'm very scared honestly..