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Forced into getting clean from opiates

Old 05-27-2015, 12:37 PM
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Unhappy Forced into getting clean from opiates

I'm new to this site as a member, but Ive been coming here for advice and encouragement a lot this past month... I guess I will start with my story...
Well two years ago i began seeing this guy who introduced me to Oxy...We would snort a few 30s when we would hang out and I really didn't feel hooked or anything...like I could just take it or leave it... Well 14 months ago I got kicked out from my home for coke and weed and immediately moved in with my boyfriend (the one who introduced me to opiates) and we began doing them every single day. I know it sounds like maybe he pressured me or something but I was the one asking him every night after work if we could go get 4 or 5. In a little over a months time i emptied my savings account(3,500) and spent all my earnings on the pills...we started falling behind on our bills and we would spend about 20 bucks on food for the whole week...it got to where we would pay for cigarettes in ******* pennys...well about 6 more months went by and we still had not even gone one day without AT LEAST 3 pills.
I remember the first time I realized this was more than just something we enjoyed doing...I remember we were on the highway driving the 45 min drive to the ****** motel and I remember I couldnt sit still because every muscle was just uncomfortable and aching...I thought maybe I was getting the flu or was just overworked but when we got there, he had "forgotten" about us and was on the way out of town for a few days. I started screaming and yelling at my boyfriend saying "you knew this would happen!" completely blaming him for our junkie dealers actions... I guess it was that moment when I realized I more than wanted it...i needed it to be the happy and laidback girl he fell in love with.
I didn't know had bad our money situation was until one day I opened my boyfriends' mail and saw how behind we were on utilities and several credit cards were completely maxed out. We had even started to make plans to wean off and get clean but every ******* time we would cut back the pills one day the next we would be out of control and do up to 10 30s...We got to the point where we would owe 3 different dealers hundreds of dollars.
Well one day we were on break and chilling with this guy who also does oxy, and he asked if I had ever done dope...of course my boyfriend has in the past, but it had been several years for him. Heroin was the ONLY drug i have not touched my entire life. I used to think meth was my official drug of choice and I could easily take it or leave it. But that day I did something I said I would NEVER do. I had known of several people in my city who had OD on heroin and either died or were permanently disabled. I would never touch something so wrong, so dirty...
A couple weeks went by and my boyfriend and I were now doing dope 3 times a day instead of oxy 3 times a day...we thought it was okay because we were spending less money and we would even throw up almost everyday from it but we didnt care...at least when we were puking our guts out, we were too high too care.
Another several months went by and now we are in February 2015...on the 6th of February we were sick as hell because our dealer wasnt answering and we didnt have enough money to get more than one pill if we tried the other guy so we waited it out, knowing he would call us back as soon as he could. well he did late that night and said he has some new **** and its white so we drive out there to the spot and waited for hours...i mean we were waiting till 3am when we finally said **** this and went home. The next day he finally calls back and he's like man im sorry i got news that this **** is no good. im gonna take it back and get something different. Well the next day we blow his phone up again and he acted like he didn't want to sell to us so we begged him to. Well he finally came through and we got a gram. It was the white stuff...I didn't think too much of it like maybe he did get different stuff and this is just white also...Well we did a tiny line and my boyfriend went to work and I went home. I got a call a couple hours later telling me to come get him because he is non stop throwing up. I felt sick but never threw up or anything...Several hours later we both felt fine and decided to do more...he asked me if i wanted to save some for in the morning or just do the rest and get super high tonight...of course i pured the rest onto the table... He hit his, I hit mine. I instantly was ****** UP ..I remember asking him to hand me the water and he didnt respond. I was like BABY HAND ME THE WATER and laughed...then I finally looked over to him and he was slumped over on the couch. I ran over to him and he was not breathing or responding. I called 911 and they had me give him chest compressions until the ambulance got there. He was completely blue and in the middle of doing the compressions i started to throw up BAD and i remember not being able to keep my eyes open very long. When the paramedics got there, i knew it was bad...they didnt think he was going to make it. I later learned at the hospital that he was DEAD when they arrived..i know they gave him some sort of shot and somehow he began throwing up and slowly regained consciousness...I can't keep from crying while typing this...i cant get his blue face out of my ******* head. ..well they started to arrest me and search our house. but once they learned that he was 10 years older than me, they seemed to change their mind and said there was no way i could have pressured him or something...i still dont understand why they would arrest me in the first place. i just watched the love of my life die and come back and YES I DO FEEL IT IS MY FAULT. I probably always will feel that way...I'm the one who chose to do all of our dope instead of just a little...

He is doing much better today. I was told by every one that worked on him that he was the luckiest man alive. apparently there had been 3 or 4 ODs earlier that night and he was the only one who survived.....We vowed to get clean. Never again will we do any sort of opiate.
Then only two days later we vowed never to touch dirty drugs again...only weed and pills...
Well its now the end of May and we have been doing 4 to 5 30s every day again since the OD...Thankfully we never touched dope again, although these pills are ruining my life just as much.

3 weeks ago i lost my job. we had no choice but to cut down to one pill each a day.
2 weeks ago we successfully cut down to splitting one pill a day.
Then Sunday, 3 days ago, we sold my car for 1000 bucks and have been on a complete oxy binge these past few days...Im not going to lie, I love it. I love being stressfree and actually high!!! i guess our tolerance went down some and i got high for the first time doing opiates since we first started doing dope.

But I also hate myself. We were doing so well cutting down and the future was starting to look bright. towards the end of the second week when we were only doing 15 mg each, I remember waking up one morning and my body didn't hurt for once...i was able to get things done without relying on a pill. But now i feel as though I am back to the beginning with a long dark road ahead of me. Someone please help me feel better. I have NO ONE i can talk to about this. Talking with my boyfriend about it only leads to one of us getting mad or upset.

...

After typing this a friend of ours came by and just flat out GAVE us 18 7.5mg tabs so my boyfriend and I's idea is to use those to wean off in 4 days. today we took 3 each when we woke up ...definitely isn't doing **** except it made me feel less overall ******. I should be thankful. 4 months ago 3 tabs wouldn't even budge the WD...

The plan is 3 tabs each today...2 each tomorrow and day 3...one each day 4...then thats it...Is this going to work? I'm very scared honestly..
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Old 05-27-2015, 01:15 PM
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Welcome. Wow that is quite a story you have there. I am a fellow opiate junkie. I know the pull all too well. I guess when you say is this going to work what is your goal? When you say FORCED into getting clean that right there makes me think not typically going to work long term. Your outlook could definitely change once you get clean, but you have to have an enormously strong desire to get clean and even with that it can be a battle. You are most likely going to have to deal with significant withdrawal if you have been on a run and the tabs are not going to do much for you. Yes withdrawal sucks, but the worst of it doesn't last all that long in the scheme of things. It is how do you cope with life on a day to day basis after getting clean that was the hardest thing for me.

It has been over 3 years now for me, but took a good 10 years to get to where I am at today. I had to be fully convinced that doing it even one time was going to take me down that all too familiar road back into hell. It was a struggle, but is definitely doable if you are ready to really put in the work needed to get and stay clean.

Best of luck and take care! Keep posting and reaching out for support. It just might save your life.
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Old 05-27-2015, 01:26 PM
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Thank you for your reply! Its very refreshing hearing from someone who really gets it... It seems everyday is an up and down rollercoaster...I wake up feeling optimistic and wanting to be clean and better my life but by the time it's late afternoon, I'm having horrible thoughts and always give in...My boyfriend keeps asking me what is important? And I tell him getting clean but it's like in my head I'm thinking, "please let us get high one last time"...It's like i feel so incredibly depressed and fatigued until i have my fix then i'm happy and carefree for a couple hours...I wish I could be happy without it. I wish my family and friends could make me happy like they used to...
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Old 05-27-2015, 01:43 PM
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I wish my family and friends could make me happy like they used to...
The only person who can truly make you happy is yourself. Happiness comes from within, despite what Madison Ave is telling us.
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Old 05-27-2015, 03:45 PM
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Thank you for your encouraging words...i know i can do this...its just battling temptation and the habits and mindset im in i guess... Already messed up todays and did 5 tabs instead of 3 ��
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Old 05-27-2015, 05:29 PM
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I'm just 5 months clean but was trying to kick my addiction from heroin over a year. Was hard and had to change friends and who I spent time with. I learnt something from every failed attempt but every lapse led to another cycle of insanity that would peak with me using more than ever before trying to get clean and get through the sickness. Looking back though a few times I said I wanted to get clean but deep down i didn't want to stop using I just didn't want to be an addict, secretly imagined just using at the weekend and it being like the early days of using when I was ballooning out before the dark days of addiction kicked in. Or I thought I'd get clean but maybe if I was in a country with great Smack Id have a play. How naive I was. It was only when I accepted that I was truly an addict and would always be an addict using or not and that I couldn't use ever again, it wasn't an option. The party was over . And thank god having heroin control my life was over. Only when I truly accepted my addiction and that using was never an option again did I manage to get and stay clean. Being truly honest with yourself is hard, but especially as heroin and deception and lies go hand in hand- good luck but firstly you have to truly accept you aren't going to use again (im not saying that guarantees it but if you make caveats around drug use and are an addict then it deffo won't work ) all the best
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Old 05-27-2015, 05:46 PM
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Hi graywh1teblue - welcome

You say you love being stress free...but reading your post it doesn't sound like you have a stress free life just the opposite.

I know the idea of respite from stress is pretty strong but I think you're just adding more and more stress the deeper you get into this.

When only a pill makes you feel ok, that's a sign you're pretty heavily addicted.

I know going off our drug of choice is not much fun but I reckon it will get harder and harder to do the more you put it off?

D
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Old 05-27-2015, 06:38 PM
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Originally Posted by graywh1teblue View Post
The plan is 3 tabs each today...2 each tomorrow and day 3...one each day 4...then thats it...Is this going to work? I'm very scared honestly..
The straight truth: no, it's not going to work. Considering what sounds like a pretty bad addiction, you'll find a way to keep using. I'm surprised you didn't mention any criminal behavior, robbery, etc. I know when I finally became flat broke, lost my job, and had no money it was something I frankly considered. This is scary stuff indeed, and considering your boyfriend almost died recently and you are both still using you have a right to be concerned.

Now the good news: you've still got your good sense. You know this is all very bad. You know that you need to get out of this situation. And you are not alone. So many here have been at the end of their ropes and broken....only to make it back to reality. The goal here should be permanent abstinence. "Cutting down" is unfortunately setting the bar too low. It sounds like you're both in big trouble and I can't imagine your living situation is very good right now.

At this point, getting help - any kind of help - is something you should do. That might mean calling up a free clinic, going to the ER room at a hospital for detox, etc. Get a professional involved ASAP. What more has to happen before you get help? How much worse are you willing to let this get? There is no "easy way out" - every alcoholic and addict wants to end their addiction painlessly. But it doesn't work that way. You have enough fight left in you to save your life and turn things around...use that fight right now.

Many of us know where you're coming from. Welcome to the forum! But before you lose that common sense, shake yourself out of this fog, get yourself together and get out of that house and into a medical facility. Please.
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Old 05-27-2015, 07:44 PM
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Your addiction sounds exactly like mine. I'll do a half and be okay or I'll do 10 if I have the money, and essentially feel the same way. I've been unable to get past 2 full weeks in 5 years. I've tried tapering, subs, cold turkey, blah blah.

The truth is not what you want to hear, but the truth is: The taper will not work. Sooner or later, you have to pay the piper. That's one thing I've learned from my hundreds of relapses.
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Old 05-28-2015, 08:25 AM
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Coming off opiates Is hard no 2 ways about it, I had a subs, pandadene 40 and Valium for a week was grim - but I find the knowing your coming off your body braces itself like something gonna smash it. I honestly think the prospect is worse than the reality. The prospect is terrifying.
If you loving it being high doesn't sound to me like you ready to stop - we all have to hit our own rock bottom to stop - I did - after kidding myself over and over again before. Normally when I high like that - wackoed I'd be ranting to pals about my latest masterplam to get clean etc.
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Old 05-28-2015, 12:11 PM
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Welcome to the Forum!!
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Old 05-28-2015, 03:12 PM
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right now you are like a baby in a bathtub full of gasoline playing with a lighter.....without SOME type of OUTSIDE intervention, things are like to explode on you.

even tho you bf almost DIED, look how quickly your view on using changed:

We vowed to get clean. Never again will we do any sort of opiate.
Then only two days later we vowed never to touch dirty drugs again...only weed and pills...Well its now the end of May and we have been doing 4 to 5 30s every day again since the OD...Thankfully we never touched dope again, although these pills are ruining my life just as much.


first, no more EVER. then within 48 hours you have rationalized to ONLY using weed and pills. and now its casually referenced as the OD - as if it was an event. and this is exactly why your chances of successfully managing ANY amount of drugs is virtually nil. add that there are two of you, both very active in your addictions, to the point where loss of jobs, homes and life are not enough to slow you down...and you both NEED HELP. in fact it is quite possible that you will need to separate in order to stand half a chance. you may not want to hear that, but you guys are killing yourselves and killing each other.

help IS available. tons of it. i hope you make an honest effort to seek it out.
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Old 06-03-2015, 09:22 AM
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Thank you every one for your honest, amazing, and encouraging words. I feel such a closeness to each of you. Each of you are right and the tapering did not work. I'm sorry I havent been on here in several days...its all been a blur. today is the first day of my new beginning. My boyfriend and I had only ONE pill (30mg oxy) yesterday at around 2 pm...so obviously im already feeling really horrible and cant stop shitting
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Old 06-03-2015, 10:49 AM
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In my experience, you can't begin to heal up until the dope is not being put into your body in any amount. Sucks, but that's just the way things work.
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Old 06-04-2015, 09:05 AM
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I been there done this your mind will do whatever it can to talk you out of quieting all the people on here have 100 percent honest in there words I found the hard way the only way to quit is to quite I'm on day 2 of cold turkey been playing this game for some time now tried to stop more times than I care to say but always been well if I just....... no stop there I know it is so much harder to do than say but all of the people on here will help we are all one in the same we have a problem that needs to be fixed and we are all here for you in your journey just know you are not alone in the path you walk and do it for yourself just like of who and what you can be once you put this behind you
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