Congratulations, Munchkin. I admire your strength and tenacity! I am looking forward to hearing more about you and from you!
Moving day for me! I will be moving all my stuff this afternoon to my new office space. New desks will be coming in 2 months, so that's too long to wait, we've decided to all move now. The big shuffle has started! It's amazing how much stuff one accumulates over time!
Good counseling today with H. Very hard, I cried through most of it. H talked about wanting to be more open and honest, but he has real problems with that, and he talked about the places he goes in his head when things go wrong. A lot of the problems start because his thought processes go wonky - like, i'll ask him to take out the garbage and he goes to, wow, I'm such a horrible husband I can't even remember to take out the garbage. And then it comes back on me, how dare she think I'm incapable of taking out the garbage without being reminded. It's a hard ongoing thing that wears on me, I can't imagine what it does to him. How does one end up with such horrible and negative thoughts all the time? It makes me sad. And, like I said, it comes back on me because he can't handle it so he lashes out. It's getting better, but man, it's a long ways to go. How does someone's ego become so fragile?
And it makes me wonder, how much have I had to do with this? I know that I don't give him as much affection as he wants ... I get tired and it's hard for me to be as affectionate as he'd like. I could praise him 24/7 and it wouldn't be enough, he's said that many times. I try to be positive, to not nag, not accuse, not judge ... it was hard when he was drinking because the rages and demons were so loud and harsh then. SInce he's quit I've tried to be as soft and gentle as I can while not allowing myself to be disrespected or the target of his self-hatred, but I wonder, what I have I done to continue his negative self-talk? Or is this something I have no control over and need to step back completely on?