I am not sure how to truly accept that the AV has no power over me. I am not sure how to totally rule out alcohol from my future. I know that's what I want more than anything. I won't drink. I know I won't. I just don't know how to connect that thought to the part of my brain that the AV has taken over. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Kafkaesque, things got much simpler and easier for me when I accepted that I would get urges to drink once in a while, and that it really didn't matter any more what form those thoughts took, it was not going to matter a rat's pitoot to my sobriety. I decided that no matter how happy or sad I might become, my drinking days were over as of that last drink. For ever. I decided 'forever' because I wanted the life I could have only if I never took another drink. I made it either/or, black/white.
By doing it like this, there was going to be no arguing, or bargaining, or white knuckling, or will power. The question of 'Will I drink again' gets the answer 'don't even bother asking because I refuse to hear it'. I have already decided what the answer is, and what the answer will always be. I am never going to drink again and I am not ever going to change my decision. Bang! Done.
I stopped being afraid of my addictive voice, dreading it, allowing myself to become uncomfortable because of it. I did this by accepting it. That's what it does because that's what it is. And accepting the existence of what is makes life a lot more enjoyable. Less acid stomach if you know what I mean.
Believe in yourself, Kafkaesque. Believe you deserve this. Believe you will succeed. And recognize that any thought to the contrary as coming from the same place as an urge to drink, because those thoughts of inadequacy or inability or unworthiness will lead back to drinking just as surely as that romanticized glass of cabernet, single malt or craft brew. Those thoughts are from the past, from a time when you took the advice of that AV just so you could feel that rush of deep pleasure as the buzz started.
The drive to again feel that pleasure is misplaced, because, for me at least, drinking became about anxiety and depresson and sadness and shame and guilt. That pleasurable feeling is simply gone and never to be had again. That is what is.
You got this, I feel it, Kafkaesque. You will succeed.
So - here is the $64,000 question: Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol?