Hi Troy,
It sounds like you are on the cusp of a personal breakthrough. For years, Alcohol broke up the time flow of being able to truly feel good about myself and where I was heading.
Like learning to drive stick it was 'stop, go, stop, go' so that there were so few continuous moments where I could explore and reconcile even one single fallacy related to my personal capacity and worth.
Put the alcohol down and the right questions and answers will come.