Welcome Sunrise. What a great name. I hope this place helps you as much as it has and continues to help me.
Very sorry to hear of the loss of your child.
To become the real me is a major challenge as it means changing habits of a lifetime, people pleasing, playing to the gallery, being the funny guy to gain acceptance. Those behaviours were all easier to do when drinking but the truth is I had no idea who the real me was.
I am discovering more about me, good and bad now that I have stopped, some I like, others not so much, however I am beginning to respect myself a bit more as I try to live a more authentic life..
For me alcohol meant deceiving myself on every level, I now simply prefer myself sober and it is a far better life without it in my life.