39,straight up drunk mess
I'm 39, and I've been in and out of the rooms since I was 23. I've been a daily drinker for 22 years, from beer to beer and shots, to 4 handles a week most recently. I'm a straight up drunk. I've been functional until recently, with the first **** happening in September of 2012, and a culmination of horrible **** on May 1 of this year. I live in Hawaii but my family and friends whe witnessed my latest total implosion intervened on me the next day. And now I'm here, in the valley, which I don't like, but among my family who I love more dearly than anything. I've been to meetings every day. I've been reading the big book. I've got step one down, I have for years, and I finally got step two based on the literal wording of it. I'm freaked out. I don't relate to NA, or CA, or anything like that. I'm just a total drunk. I drink 4 handles a week and 30 beers when I drink. It's a constant fog, since 1993. And I go to meetings and hear about prison and robbing stores to get crack fixes, and I can't get a thing from that. I'm just a damned drunk. I feel like sometimes I don't qualify in this contest. I just need help. 3 time I've early died because of my decisions I've made while totally drunk. But I still want to drink. I'm searching for reasons to be sober. I have two kinds of drunk:
1: Not drunk enough
2: Blacked out/passed out.