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39,straight up drunk mess

Old 05-20-2015, 11:29 PM
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39,straight up drunk mess

I'm 39, and I've been in and out of the rooms since I was 23. I've been a daily drinker for 22 years, from beer to beer and shots, to 4 handles a week most recently. I'm a straight up drunk. I've been functional until recently, with the first **** happening in September of 2012, and a culmination of horrible **** on May 1 of this year. I live in Hawaii but my family and friends whe witnessed my latest total implosion intervened on me the next day. And now I'm here, in the valley, which I don't like, but among my family who I love more dearly than anything. I've been to meetings every day. I've been reading the big book. I've got step one down, I have for years, and I finally got step two based on the literal wording of it. I'm freaked out. I don't relate to NA, or CA, or anything like that. I'm just a total drunk. I drink 4 handles a week and 30 beers when I drink. It's a constant fog, since 1993. And I go to meetings and hear about prison and robbing stores to get crack fixes, and I can't get a thing from that. I'm just a damned drunk. I feel like sometimes I don't qualify in this contest. I just need help. 3 time I've early died because of my decisions I've made while totally drunk. But I still want to drink. I'm searching for reasons to be sober. I have two kinds of drunk:
1: Not drunk enough
2: Blacked out/passed out.
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Old 05-21-2015, 12:42 AM
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AA is reserved for only those who have a desire to stop drinking. I have to say meetings were very important for me in early recovery. I was able to connect with people that I barely had things in common with. Addiction is not a discrete trait it is continuous, for there are many different spectrums to addictions. I have never been to jail, in a mental hospital, lost my family, I'm only 23 years of age, and etc. The point is I found every detail to separate myself from these people. In reality I deserve a seat just as much as any other person because I have a desire to stop drinking. Now however you define addiction it doesn't really matter when you only want to stop drinking. AA isn't the only way to stop if you feel that against it, try out rational recovery, SMART recovery, self help books, or talk to a therapist! Put in some work and it'll make things much easier for you.
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Old 05-21-2015, 03:50 AM
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If you are here, some part of you must want sobriety. Welcome!

You say you are searching for reasons to be sober. Let your imagination run wild. What would you want to do? What goals could you pursue that you can't right now?
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Old 05-21-2015, 04:05 AM
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How's 22 years in a fog working for you?

Living sober feels awkward and uncomfortable at first, then you start to get used to it and then you start to live again. You have a family who loves you, there's something to be sober for.

Welcome to SR.
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Old 05-21-2015, 04:18 AM
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Welcome.

Are you ready to do whatever it takes to have sobriety?
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Old 05-21-2015, 04:45 AM
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Hi.
A reason to stay sober was the misery involved in drinking and the signs of alcohol induced physical problems that were real which leads to a miserable death.

One of the leading ways to be sober is WANTING to be. Unfortunately no one can get you sober except you.

One thing that helped me was people said always keep coming as we MAY hear something we need to.

BE WELL
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Old 05-21-2015, 05:06 AM
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Welcome aboard Dick,
I feel for you about your situation. You have a disease and need to treat it as such. Start out making a Drs. appt and discuss your drinking habits. You will probably need medically supervised detox to get you started on the recovery trail. That is the 1st step. Then finding a good in or out patient rehab would be a good 2nd step to give you some tools to use to stay sober while you continue your recovery. You definitely need these 1st two steps to get you started if you are going to be serious about this. Best Wishes to you.
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Old 05-21-2015, 05:11 AM
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Originally Posted by DickPacific View Post
But I still want to drink.
A mistake I made for decades was assuming that when I was "ready to be sober" the urge to drink would magically disappear forever. Addiction doesn't work that way.

A fellow member by the name of DoggoneCarl summed it up nicely recently. He said "your addiction's job is to make sure you are never ready to be sober."

To extrapolate - YOUR job is to overrule what your addiction wants. I recommend using your time in rehab to find tools that will help you against your addiction.

Welcome to the fight of your life.

You can do this!
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Old 05-21-2015, 05:19 AM
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Welcome to the family! You'll find lots of support here.
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Old 05-21-2015, 05:25 AM
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Welcome DP. You say you're searching for reasons to be sober? Why do you want to be drunk? It sounds like it's brought you a lot of pain....maybe stopping that pain, is one reason to get sober.
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Old 05-21-2015, 07:29 AM
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I sense a certain bravado to what you wrote. Kind of like "I'm a total drunk, I dare you to find a reason to stay sober.". I used to be like that.

I certainly didn't identify with people at meetings. I didn't lose anything. Never got in serious trouble. I had to work at identifying what I had in common with people that were jailbirds or homeless. But I did. All of us made poor choices because of our drinking or drugs. All of us were sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I enjoy seeing life clearly now. I don't have to live in fear that I've done something idiotic. Or that I'll be found out.

Keep coming back.
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Old 05-21-2015, 07:43 AM
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Welcome to SR, DickPacific. Is drinking today going to help clear up whatever wreckage you allude to happening at the start of May? Or is it just going to cause more wreckage?

It sounds like you have some people in your life who care tremendously about you. Give them a chance to see a new and sober DickPacific. You might be amazed at the changes you're capable of.
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Old 05-21-2015, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by DickPacific View Post
. I just need help. 3 time I've early died because of my decisions I've made while totally drunk. But I still want to drink. I'm searching for reasons to be sober. I have two kinds of drunk:
You've almost died 3 times due to decisions you've made while drunk! That is a pretty huge reason to stop drinking, esp with how close you are to your family.
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Old 05-23-2015, 05:10 AM
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Welcome to the Forum DickPacific!!
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Old 05-23-2015, 05:17 AM
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If AA isn't your thing, try working out your own motivation. What is your biggest fear if you keep drinking. For some people it's a vanity thing, others fear of illness or dying. Not wanting to be a failure or waste your life could be another.
Once you've worked out you own individual motivation, devise your plan for getting sober yourself. It could be based around controlling cravings, eating better, getting out with friends away from alcohol, taking up a thrill seeking sport. Whatever works for you, dig deep into yourself to find it.
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