Sick brains
Was at the beach this weekend,where exAbf lives, and ventured off to his house on Saturday. Ended up having sex, multiple times. He was drunk. Left my keys at his house after he dropped me off at my place. Was ignoring me all night and the next morning. So I decided to show up at his house Sunday morning bc I needed my keys. The door was locked, music was blasting. His door is never locked... Anyway, he finally answered the door and I go up to his room to find a girl in his bed IN MY SHIRT. So sickening. Just casually having sex with two girls within 8 hours. He's worthless- an alcoholic and a liar. But HOW DOES HE DO THIS. Why do I care? Why are we broken up but still continue to see him? He has nothing to offer yet my mind keeps telling me that someday he will just stop drinking, stop lying, stop sleeping with 20 year olds, stop being so selfish. Rationally I know this unfortunately isn't true.
So the girl that was in my shirt in his bed reached out to me this morning. Told me she's very sorry if that hurt my feelings and that she knows he's an alcoholic and liar. I told her that he gave me HSV1, and suggested she go get tested. Is that bad? I feel that she had the right to know because he sure as heck didn't tell her.
My question is- how does one find peace in this situation? I know about addiction, I go to Alanon, but being in his town this weekend just triggered me. He pulled me in so easily.
Do I just remember that he has a sick, demented, addict brain that cannot be rational even if he tried? Do I remember that he has an underlying personality disorder that will possibly not go away even if he stops drinking? Do I remember all of the turmoil and pain he's put me through? What is going on with his brain?? How can he possibly think this is OK? HOW COULD HE.