My father fit much of the same description and still does. He drinks every day. Goes to work. Is respected. I don't think I remember him yelling. I don't remember my parents yelling. hmmm....
However, as I worked the 12-steps and began to recover...guess what happened? I started to remember. Especially when I worked on step four.
I grew up in the environment, so why would I ever think that it was anything other than normal?
I remember being afraid of my father. So deathly afraid that I just didn't talk to him. He wasn't a soft place to fall anyways.
I can't think of any specific rules. The one big one was going to be when we were told to go to bed. My father would threaten "the belt" - he would pull it off and stare at us in a menacing way. I thought this was normal.
Guess what? Turns out the use of a belt for spanking is ILLEGAL! news to me only recently. Sad.
My mother once said my father "hated" doing it. I almost feel like vomiting when I think about that BS enabler statement. It's like us kids didn't even exist. what mattered was my dad didn't like doing it (using the belt for spanking)..so he eventually stopped. So, since I"m on the younger end, I'm not sure if I ever received the belt. But I did get the hand...and I was 8 or 9 years old. Old enough to understand right and wrong. Guess what through me through a loop? My counselor said..."did he spank with anger?"....f***! that's precisely what my father would do. Yet again...abuse.
Any follow-up after said spanking? NOPE.
Discussion as to what I actually did wrong and how to correct said behavior? NOPE.
Unwritten rules -- for example. DON"T EVER cross in front of the tv screen when my dad is watching it. EVER. Might and fury come down on you. But I don't remember spanking with that. Just...DON'T EVER cross in front of the tv. Even though it was never said. How did I know rules? Older siblings told me.
The pattern here is that my perceptions of my childhood changed over time when I began to search my TRUE feelings. They had been buried so long that I had literally altered how I saw my past.
I still don't remember yelling. But I remember feeling anger. Lots of it.
My dad scared me...and I stayed away. I don't remember why it happened, but I have an iconic memory of my father towering over me with a scowl towards me...menacing. And my mother getting in the way. And I remember that I had just had a class on abuse and some number to call? I was young...Anyways, I said, "Leave me alone or I'll call the number." I don't remember how I described the number - did I say it was an abuse hotline? Well...my father backed off instantaneously.
I also remember this - I asked my older brother, "how do you get him to leave you alone?" (he would often try to wrestle us to the ground...to show power? Dominance?) He would poke me in the ribs at the dinner table...I guess it was argued as a love-tap? He would also pinch. Most of the contact with him when I was little was not something I relish. I remember pain. My brother's answer to this was, "when you get big enough, put him in a giant bear hug, and tell him to leave you f*** alone or else". That's precisely what I did around 16, and he left me alone. He was much older at the time, and I could have very likely harmed him. I suppose I saw it as the only option. I had been taught that I needed to have physical power in the situation. I hadn't learned how to address conflict with...oh, that's it! COMMUNICATION!
I'm rambling on here and could go on and on. The gist here is that I still feel like I don't fit in with other ACOA's because my father wasn't punching me in the face or striking me with objects or calling me things beyond "lazy" and "stubborn". That I sometimes question if he really does have a problem and will he live till he's 90? Staring at the tv with his bottle of vodka next to his leg...wasting away day by day. Misses my graduations. Misses anything that matters to me. Misses my life. Misses out on knowing me.
Physically and mentally he's perfectly fine. But emotionally? Something else entirely.
Wait...with this 2nd edit, I wonder. Physically Ok? Mentally? Thotful...are you sure about that?
And I realize...maybe I still have a nugget of denial in my throat that I'm still trying to clear? food for thought. I'll think on it.