can anyone relate?

Old 04-30-2015, 12:59 PM
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can anyone relate?

Hi everybody-

This is my first post here. I am usually at the Friends and Family of A’s board.
My husband is a dry alcoholic, which is what brought me to SR last year, and everyone has been a great support.
I’m going to Al-Anon, and working on Step Four currently.

I don’t know if my father would describe himself as an alcoholic. But he drinks beer every night, and has for as long as I can remember. I remember a brief period of time when I was a teenager that he tried to stop for health reasons, but went back to it after maybe a week. That is the only time I remember him not drinking.

He has always been employed and has provided for us.

He was never abusive or violent. He has never yelled at me or at my brother. I’ve never seen any fights or even arguments between he and my mother, who are still married.
He would get silly, and annoying, sometimes hard to be around because of that, when he was drinking. He was not perfect, but he did the best he could.

My life has always been pretty “normal” as far as that goes.

However, my AH is abusive, and I have allowed him to verbally and emotionally abuse me and to cheat on me.
My xabf was my only other long-term relationship. He too, was emotionally abusive and extremely controlling, and I stayed with him for a long time.

I am co-dependent. I have always struggled with self esteem and with expressing myself.

It seems that all the other stories I hear, from people like me with alcoholic spouses and who describe themselves as co-dependent, and who have been abused in their relationships and who struggle with self-esteem like I do, are not like mine.

It seems they have all suffered some type of abuse as a child, but I didn’t.
So I struggle with the question of why I am the way that I am.

I wondered if any of you here grew up in “calm” alcoholic households and can relate to what I am saying at all….

I hope that makes sense.

Thank you
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:07 PM
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Hi boys, glad you stopped by. I didn't grow up with a calm alcoholic but I am really here more because of my narcissistic mother. I am on a kindle and don't know how to copy and paste but if you check the stickies one of the has what is called the Laundry List. Give it a read and see if you can relate
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:14 PM
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A few other things ACOA is actually Adult Children of Alcoholics and family dysfunctions. This can include mental illness, authoritarianism, religious oppression, and the list goes on.

If you grew up in a home where don't ask, don't tell, don't feel. You probably belong here. If you Guess What Normal Is than you definitely do.
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Old 04-30-2015, 04:43 PM
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Thanks happy
I'll do some reading.
In my house there was no yelling or arguing, but also no talking about feelings or any problem solving in a healthy manner. We never really talked about anything (still don't) besides just regular day to day superficial stuff.

I never got in trouble for anything, or had any rules, though I was no angel. I know my parents knew I was coming home drunk when I was in high school, and driving drunk...I don't know how they couldn't have. But neither of my parents ever said a word to me about it.

I have a lot to think about now.....

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Old 04-30-2015, 05:15 PM
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It's also a generational illness. Meaning maybe your mom isn't an alcoholic but if your dad has a problem she is probably codependent and got it from her mom or dad because there was dysfunction in her childhood home.
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Old 05-11-2015, 09:28 PM
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I relate to what you're saying. I didn't even grow up with an alcoholic (my RAH grew up with an alcoholic dad but his life wasn't full of abuse, it's was filled with neglect from his dad and codependency from his mom) but I have many of the traits that ACOAs have. It doesn't really matter how I got here or why so I'm trying to focus more on what I can learn.

I never got in trouble for anything, or had any rules, though I was no angel. I know my parents knew I was coming home drunk when I was in high school, and driving drunk...I don't know how they couldn't have. But neither of my parents ever said a word to me about it.
This is exactly how my RAH describes his childhood too. He never got in trouble.

Mine was the polar opposite. I was ALWAYS in trouble and a major overachiever. None of my friends ever understood why I was always grounded. My friend's moms would comment on how polite and mild mannered I was and then I'd go home to my mom who would berate me for whatever my failure of the day was.

Different avenues, same destination.
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Old 05-12-2015, 10:27 AM
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Thanks for this thread--it's the last bit of confirmation that I need in order to jump into the pool here! I know some of you from F&F of A's, and I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of you.

I definitely need to keep working on the "Alanoid" type of issues, but the further I move along in my recovery, the more I see that even though my FOO was not an alcoholic family, it was majorly dysfunctional--and my mom likely accepted that b/c SHE was an ACOA.

My stepfather was abusive in pretty much every way imaginable and yeah, I've been "guessing at normal" for nigh on 55 years now...
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Old 05-12-2015, 10:56 AM
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Welcome Honeypig, glad you are joining us.
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Old 05-12-2015, 11:03 AM
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Hello honeypig

Welcome, welcome, I'm glad you decided to jump in. I always learn from your posts, and appreciate the kind support you share all over SR.

Mike
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Old 05-12-2015, 11:21 AM
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Thank you all for the warm welcome, and thanks in advance for everything I know I'll learn from you.


upload foto
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Old 05-13-2015, 02:25 PM
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My father fit much of the same description and still does. He drinks every day. Goes to work. Is respected. I don't think I remember him yelling. I don't remember my parents yelling. hmmm....

However, as I worked the 12-steps and began to recover...guess what happened? I started to remember. Especially when I worked on step four.

I grew up in the environment, so why would I ever think that it was anything other than normal?

I remember being afraid of my father. So deathly afraid that I just didn't talk to him. He wasn't a soft place to fall anyways.

I can't think of any specific rules. The one big one was going to be when we were told to go to bed. My father would threaten "the belt" - he would pull it off and stare at us in a menacing way. I thought this was normal.

Guess what? Turns out the use of a belt for spanking is ILLEGAL! news to me only recently. Sad.

My mother once said my father "hated" doing it. I almost feel like vomiting when I think about that BS enabler statement. It's like us kids didn't even exist. what mattered was my dad didn't like doing it (using the belt for spanking)..so he eventually stopped. So, since I"m on the younger end, I'm not sure if I ever received the belt. But I did get the hand...and I was 8 or 9 years old. Old enough to understand right and wrong. Guess what through me through a loop? My counselor said..."did he spank with anger?"....f***! that's precisely what my father would do. Yet again...abuse.
Any follow-up after said spanking? NOPE.
Discussion as to what I actually did wrong and how to correct said behavior? NOPE.

Unwritten rules -- for example. DON"T EVER cross in front of the tv screen when my dad is watching it. EVER. Might and fury come down on you. But I don't remember spanking with that. Just...DON'T EVER cross in front of the tv. Even though it was never said. How did I know rules? Older siblings told me.

The pattern here is that my perceptions of my childhood changed over time when I began to search my TRUE feelings. They had been buried so long that I had literally altered how I saw my past.

I still don't remember yelling. But I remember feeling anger. Lots of it.

My dad scared me...and I stayed away. I don't remember why it happened, but I have an iconic memory of my father towering over me with a scowl towards me...menacing. And my mother getting in the way. And I remember that I had just had a class on abuse and some number to call? I was young...Anyways, I said, "Leave me alone or I'll call the number." I don't remember how I described the number - did I say it was an abuse hotline? Well...my father backed off instantaneously.

I also remember this - I asked my older brother, "how do you get him to leave you alone?" (he would often try to wrestle us to the ground...to show power? Dominance?) He would poke me in the ribs at the dinner table...I guess it was argued as a love-tap? He would also pinch. Most of the contact with him when I was little was not something I relish. I remember pain. My brother's answer to this was, "when you get big enough, put him in a giant bear hug, and tell him to leave you f*** alone or else". That's precisely what I did around 16, and he left me alone. He was much older at the time, and I could have very likely harmed him. I suppose I saw it as the only option. I had been taught that I needed to have physical power in the situation. I hadn't learned how to address conflict with...oh, that's it! COMMUNICATION!

I'm rambling on here and could go on and on. The gist here is that I still feel like I don't fit in with other ACOA's because my father wasn't punching me in the face or striking me with objects or calling me things beyond "lazy" and "stubborn". That I sometimes question if he really does have a problem and will he live till he's 90? Staring at the tv with his bottle of vodka next to his leg...wasting away day by day. Misses my graduations. Misses anything that matters to me. Misses my life. Misses out on knowing me.

Physically and mentally he's perfectly fine. But emotionally? Something else entirely.

Wait...with this 2nd edit, I wonder. Physically Ok? Mentally? Thotful...are you sure about that?

And I realize...maybe I still have a nugget of denial in my throat that I'm still trying to clear? food for thought. I'll think on it.
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Old 05-14-2015, 01:57 PM
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Thanks for chiming in everybody

Hi Stung... funny, my AH describes his childhood just as you describe yours...

"Mine was the polar opposite. I was ALWAYS in trouble and a major overachiever. None of my friends ever understood why I was always grounded. My friend's moms would comment on how polite and mild mannered I was and then I'd go home to my mom who would berate me for whatever my failure of the day was.

Thotful, thanks for sharing your story. My childhood was quite different from yours. I never felt any fear of my father, but I do feel fear of my AH, and I absolutely do not want my children (2 and 3) to grow up with that kind of fear that you describe.

It sure is a lot to process....
The longer I'm here on SR, and the more work I do on Step 4, the longer my journey ahead seems to be... but I guess there's no rush.

My father was not abusive in any way, I just always remember feeling as though I wasn't "good enough." I have several vivid memories of comments he made when I was young which I took to mean I would never be as "good" as my mother, as pretty as her, as skinny as her, and I was not worthy of being loved by anyone in the way he loves her.
I know now intellecutally, that my father loves me, and is proud of me. I know he didn't intend for me to internalize his comments in the way that I did.. but those things stick.

And my mother... she's wonderful, she's an angel who would do anything for me... but she is / was extremely passive. She would call it "easy-going," but I've really never seen her express much emotion, or opinion. My father made all the decisions, and it's all "okay" with her.
I'm definitely like that too... It's hard for me to express my opinions because I'm not really clear a lot of the time what my opinions are.

Both my parents are ACOA and my father was severely physically abused.
My mother never told me anything about her childhood, or really anything about her life before I was born. I would never have known about my grandmother being an alcoholic, but my aunts have told me many stories since I've been an adult.
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