Hi Vast,
I'm sorry to hear you had some really bad experiences.
I can't moderate either. It's been keeping that door on moderation open in my mind that has caused me so much anxiety, taken up a lot of time and headspace and led to bad things. So the door is shut (and I hope it stays that way) and I am working on it by going to AA meetings, SR and yoga.
Have a read around and always ask for help. I've got some amazing advice and wisdom from this forum :-)