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Day 2 - ready to be done for real.

Old 05-13-2015, 01:44 AM
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Day 2 - ready to be done for real.

I haven't posted or browsed here in a quite a long time. In fact, I don't remember there being any mobile support - it was a real pain to post from my phone (which was more comfortable to lounge with a smartphone than sit at the computer).

I'll try to be brief about the bad parts, because we've all heard horror stories. I just need to get the nightmarish last week off my chest. I obviously went back to drinking, after lapsing my focus to SR forums, trying AA meetings, etc. Thought I was moderating decently because I didn't let the hangovers get to bad, and was holding down a new job without a hitch. I've managed to make some solid friendships there. Been there just over a year.

On Wednesday 5/6 after work I went out with a female coworker and we split half of a bottle of tequila. She had to work in the AM, but I didn't, so I sneakily finished it when we woke up. When I got home (5/7) I napped a bit, then got up, grabbed a 6pack of beer, and played the new Mortal Kombat with a friend. Slept decently!

Friday 5/8 was when I reeeeaaaally started slipping down the drain. I installed an AC unit in my bedroom, and celebrated with a few gulps from a fresh half gallon of vodka. Went and had sushi, 1 big beer with that. I went to a party that night, brought the half gallon and took several shots from it, drank a few beers, and took several hits of pot.

I vaguely remember staggering home and passing out. Same coworker from Wdnesday dropped by Saturday 5/9, and I was so hungover I was happy to see that she brought a fresh half gallon of vodka. We sipped on that, ate some Chinese delivery, watched TV, and passed out. She woke up and went to work on MOTHER'S DAY.

I evidently finished the half gallon and slept all day. I didn't call my mom. When my coworker came back over around 8pm, I hadn't had access to liquor and I was vomiting and shaking. I found things on the floor of my apartment I don't remember, like fast food containers. We ate Chinese delivery, that's the ONLY food I remember having. Packs of cigarettes, a vague memory of almost knocking my AC out the window on accident. I have a big scratch on my forehead, and a big section of my left finger was torn open pretty good.

I haven't seen my mother in years due to financial constraints, and I didn't call her on Mother's Day because I was so blacked out I lost about 30 hours. I tried to detox for one day by myself, and it felt so much worse than prior attempts I bit the bullet and hit the ER.

Saline drip with vitamins and minerals, a small dose of Ativan, full blood work with an EKG. My heart is fine but my blood pressure had skyrocketed. I am now on a sodium restricted diet, and tapering on Librium, which I had once about 3 years ago. That time wasn't this bad, but I am still in awe that I got to this point again...

Ignoring my mother? This feels distinctly Rock Bottom, however, and I feel committed to removing alcohol as a factor from my life. Not moderating. I'll start formulating a plan, and I'll be prepared to answer and questions and take any advice. Thank you for letting me spill my guts, this felt good.

That wasn't super brief...
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Old 05-13-2015, 02:00 AM
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Hi Vast,

I'm sorry to hear you had some really bad experiences.

I can't moderate either. It's been keeping that door on moderation open in my mind that has caused me so much anxiety, taken up a lot of time and headspace and led to bad things. So the door is shut (and I hope it stays that way) and I am working on it by going to AA meetings, SR and yoga.

Have a read around and always ask for help. I've got some amazing advice and wisdom from this forum :-)
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Old 05-13-2015, 02:09 AM
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I'm sorry you had to go through that vastreaction but I'm glad you made it back here

D
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Old 05-13-2015, 04:59 AM
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Hi.
I’m glad that you came back but it scares me when I hear of the complications alcohol creates.
In my undisciplined drinking days I and many had the ego to think we could handle our drinking our way with success. Unfortunately very few are still alive because alcohol has been proven powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious taking us places no sane person would choose.

The path to recovery for me is being honest with myself about MY drinking and accepting the fact I cannot drink in safety one day at a time in a row. Part of being sober is wanting to be sober more that wanting to drink AND working towards that goal.

This site is a good place for information of things I didn’t know what I didn’t know which was a lot.
For me AA is the place where I’m among people who understand each other and offer the keys to recovery called the 12 steps which require work as opposed to the easy way out.

BE WELL
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:24 AM
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I'm glad you went to the ER. Sounds like you had a really rough go. Keep coming here and posting here as you start your journey.

Call your mom. One gift you can give to your sober self? You said financial constraints keep you from visiting your mom. Alcohol costs a lot of money. Instead of spending your money on alcohol, save it to visit your mom.
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:11 PM
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Thanks everyone!

Actually made it out of the house today. Had a friend escort me to the grocery store, both because I'm still all brainfoggy and weak, but because I knew she wouldn't let me grab a beer. So strange how I still cast a moment's glance down that booze aisle - it's like a home away from home.

I ended up getting some great veggies, beans, barley and a very small piece of beef, but I gorged on a chicken salad sandwich with a slice of ham and Sriracha. Not exactly fitting my attempt to snub salt intake, but wowwww did my stomach need some quick bulky substance after 4 days of gnawing away at its own lining

Ruby is right, when I save the drinking money, I'll have a savings bubble to visit my mom. There are other reasons I've avoided it, but I think some sober clarity will help me cope with those.

I'm gonna keep coming back - I need to get into one of the daily support forums, or an accountability thing. For when I get cravings, I can have someplace I know to go.

Hope to hear from more of ya. Soon I'll be ready to pop into other forums and say hello more
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:24 PM
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My mom passed away unexpectedly last year at the age of 58. I hadn't seen her since 2007, mainly due to my financial instability and just general ability to procrastinate which was not entirely caused by but definitely fueled by my drinking. It's one of the biggest regrets I have re: my drinking.

Glad you are recovering and also that you have at least one friend to take you to the store and steer you clear of the beer aisle. Wishing you the best!
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:34 PM
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Welcome back to SR, VR!

Originally Posted by Vastreaction View Post
So strange how I still cast a moment's glance down that booze aisle - it's like a home away from home.
After finding SR a year ago and realizing that booting booze was both possible and a really good idea (understatement), passing liquor stores felt like facing off with Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western. Now the liquor stores are just liquor stores. Soon your booze aisle will be just that.

Stick around. Abstinence, recovery and you are worth it.
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