You are here and that means there is hope Myrrryah.
You've been struggling for a long time with this, and last time you were here one of the things you said that stuck out to me was this: "I can't trust my brain. My brain just flips switch on me." Perhaps now is the time to fully surrender that in order to get better you are going to need help from the outside? And accept that you may need to take a path that doesn't appeal to you? Specifically, maybe you need to spend some time in rehab or intensive counseling/therapy?
As bad as it seems after your incident last friday, the fear will wear off...it always does. You will need to be prepared for that time.