Mrrryah1

So - I'm feeling pretty low To say I've had a rough go of sobriety lately would be an understatement. To say I'm disgusted, horrified, shocked by my actions of late would be an understatement.

To give you a brief glimpse, I woke up in the hospital on Friday with tubes and IV's sticking out of me everywhere, no recollection of what happened, nurse told me I overdosed. I share because maybe it will remind somebody or something that happened to them, or maybe somebody can give me a piece of hope, cause I can't find it on my own. This was a first in my life. I was there alone and I was scared and the worst part is, I left and immediately used.

I'm sober now (today, here, now) and one thing feels different than it ever has before.

1) I don't just think I'm going to die from this disease if I don't stop anymore. I KNOW it. I used to say it, I used to think "maybe", or "it's possible...", but I didn't KNOW it. I now know it to my very core. It's a wierd feeling, knowing this.

2) I feel completely defeated. I don't want to drink or experience any more - I'm too scared - so it's not defeated like "oh just take me alcoholism/addiction I'm going to drink myself to death" but it's like - I have zero fight left in me. None. None none none. I feel like an empty shell of a human being that is just existing with no life left inside. I'm 100% sure I can't beat this on my own.
One - Hundred - Percent. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot.

I need help. I'm dying.

Please tell me there's some kind of hope for me still.

ScottFromWI

You are here and that means there is hope Myrrryah.

You've been struggling for a long time with this, and last time you were here one of the things you said that stuck out to me was this: "I can't trust my brain. My brain just flips switch on me." Perhaps now is the time to fully surrender that in order to get better you are going to need help from the outside? And accept that you may need to take a path that doesn't appeal to you? Specifically, maybe you need to spend some time in rehab or intensive counseling/therapy?

As bad as it seems after your incident last friday, the fear will wear off...it always does. You will need to be prepared for that time.

Mrrryah1

I called my confidential work helpline and they said a counselor is going to contact me within two business business days. I've talked to a few people outside of my workplace who says this type of helpline is usually a stepping stone between work and treatment. Basically you get assessed by a professional and they make a recommendation to your workplace.

And I'm telling you. If that is what they say, I'm doing it. I'm doing it 100% and I'm going back to inpatient. There is nothing in the world I want to do LESS than go to inpatient except die, but that's exactly where the situation lies right now. It very well could be one or the other.

You're right Scott. I'm freaking terrified of when this fear wears off. TERRIFIED.

ZaBoozer

Hey there Mrrryah,

There is hope for you - but you have got to want it. You are not alone, there are millions of us all over the world battling this horrible illness. You came here right? Good first step I think. There are a lot of good people here who can give you a lot of good advice.

For now though, you are going to have to do this one day at a time. You can do this. Baby steps and try to be kind to yourself.

Cheers,

ZAB

greens

There is hope lots of us have been there although I know it's a horrible feeling it does go away.
What is your plan? has anything in the past helped? Do you have access to addiction counselling, mutual support, or a plan to stay busy ? I just ask bc when I quit drinking I was working nights and it felt like I had too much free time during the day . Keep us updated, this is a great place to stay connected to others who may understand what you're going through

alphaomega

Don't give up. Rest. Get your self centered. Walk. Take a bath. Pull up some you tube meditations. Smell the lilacs in bloom. Go find a meeting. Breathe deeply and hang on.

Obviously you are still here for a reason.

Go find out why.

Berrybean

Hi. This might feel like then end, but it can also be a new beginning.

I think perhaps that feeling you are describing could be you hitting rock bottom. They say that this is when people are really ready to get sober. It may be a cold, hard place to be finding yourself now, but apparently it can provide a fantastic foundation for building upon.

You sound like you are ready to accept that you are powerless over alcohol and need to stay away from it altogether. You sound like you want a happy and serene life. It's there waiting for you. There is hope.

Wishing you hope and strength for your recovery. Please take whatever help is offered to you. You deserve every bit of it.

xx

Findingtheway

I've had a similar experience. Around end of last September i thought screw it i'm having a drink.

I was a secret drinker...I drank with the door closed in my office. I drank hard and i drank fast.
Then i tried to make my way home...I ended up blacking out on the subway platform and awaking in the hospital.

Bewildered and Aggressive.

FEAR kept me sober after that incident...For about 3 months (87 days to be exact) and then temptation snaked me again and i drank over new years.

Wanted 1 drink...It turned into 5 days of NON stop from dawn to dusk drinking. Missing work...Freaking out...Thinking the world was ending.

Total insanity. That's how i drink.

Since i stopped last (with the help of my AA friends and my GF)...I've just past 4 months sober. And I've made re-alignment in my life important.
AA is a key piece. I have a sponsor i check with daily. I have friends in the AA program that i can call.
SR is helping with daily support as well.

I'm not alone with this. And neither are you.

Hope is never lost. At times it gets clouded temporarily.

But it's only temporary.

Thanks for your post. It's a good reminder for me...Some days i truly forget that the blackout and wake up in the hospital happened to me.

Feels like it happened to someone else...

Good luck to you.

arrow817

My experience says that nothing is more effective than sponsorship. ---To me, especially in early recovery, it was extraordinary to meet people who were able to put together any length of real sobriety. They were they were the exception. I wanted what they had. When I quit talking and started actually reading my big book, working steps honestly, I started to feel some relief. History shows you have a better chance with the help of others, there are people out there at a local meeting waiting for you to walk into their lives. Being a sponsee helps the sponsor stay in recovery, so you are providing someone else an opportunity to be of service.
Best of luck,

ccam1973

Mrrryah, good job on getting back here and posting... Sorry you had to go through that last week. That can be the last time you ever have to experience that pain again.

There is hope, and you are among friends that can help you. But you have to help yourself too. You've got to dig deep, fight hard, resist that temptation no matter what it takes.

Like Scott and others have said, use ALL of the recovery resources available to you. Awesome job on calling the helpline; let us know how that goes.

You can make this happen, you've got the power to change and get your life back. You deserve it!

Stay strong and make the tough choice to be sober today.

ScottFromWI

It's good to hear that you are actively seeking help. And even better to hear that you plan on doing whatever it is that they suggest. I've done a lot of things I thought I would "never" do in the past 2 years, and even though I didn't always like doing them I truly believe they have helped me get and stay sober. One example is therapy...i never in a million years thought I would need to see a psychiatrist, but now I do and it's very helpful.

Above all, just remember that sobriety is an option for ANYONE...and that includes you. So as hard as it might seem at the time or as much as you don't want to do what you are asked to do, just remember that it's all for a reason.

AnvilheadII

I'm freaking terrified of when this fear wears off. TERRIFIED

then don't give yourself that chance. right now today you make the decision that you will not drink or use again under ANY circumstances EVER. period. not for any reason or excuse, not if it falls from the sky into your hand or it is being given away free in a happy meal.

NO MEANS NO.

then you just dont pick up. each day, one day at a time.

Anna

Mrrryah, that is exactly how I felt at the end of my drinking days. My health was awful and there was a vast emptiness inside me. I had to start rebuilding, everything, all of me. I had to figure out what was important to me and hold on to it. M, start slowly and you will be able to pick yourself up and move on. Listen to your soul because I promise you, it will speak to you. Listening to your soul will have you move in the right direction.

Hevyn

Mrrryah, I also felt just like you after my last binge. I finally knew I had no control over what might happen once I took a drink. I was reckless - saying & doing things I had no memory of. I couldn't believe the danger I put myself in.

You can turn this frightening time into a great new beginning. Apparently some people need to reach this point. I knew for years I had no control over my drinking, but I guess I needed further proof that I couldn't touch it. I'm so glad you posted about what happened. We're with you.

least

It's never too late to start again as long as you're breathing. Do what is suggested and put your whole self into it.

site1Q84

So glad to hear you already contacted the helpline and are willing to do whatever is necessary to help yourself. Keep us posted on what they recommend once you see the counselor.

Glad you're back here for some support in the mean time.

It sounds like a terrifying experience, and I'm glad you posted. Sometimes I forget to think about all the things that could happen if I ever pick up another drink, and these reminders are so helpful to me.

Dee74

There is always hope Mrrryah - always.

It's never too late to start chapter two
Give it all you have - 110%

D

wehav2day

Myrrah,

Pleasepleaseplease go to treatment. Do not pass to. Take those recommendations and do everything they say. Let them do the thinking until you can trust your own.

I say this because my mother overdosed. I found her when I was a kid. She didn't wake up in the er with tubes and ivs. She NEVER woke up. A lot of hearts broke on that day, mine was one. Please take care of yourself. Please don't drink or use.

Serenidad

(((Myrrah)))

You can do this! WE can do this! Remember our private messages? You CAN'T let this disease kill you! You are too good of a person and the world needs you. You deserve to live and be happy! (And so do I and everyone else who is struggling with this disease).

Thank God you didn't die last Friday because your funeral probably would have been yesterday or today and you'd be gone from this world. :-( So many of us should be dead but we aren't and we keep fighting and fighting because we are strong. I am not going to just lay down and let this disease steal my life and neither are you!!! You are a fighter Myrrah!

Like I said yesterday, I will pray for you.

Addiction is the only prison where the key is inside.

Love you girl!!! <3

strategery

Mrrryah. I really hope you go into inpatient. Considering your life is on the line and you admit that you're finding it hard to fight, please call them ASAP.