I was expecting that since he got a DWI he would wake up and realize he has a problem and would want to fix it.
This kind of thinking kept me stuck for a long time. I'd think that this night in jail, trip to the ER, account overdraft, whatever consequence was going to be THE THING that got him to realize he had a problem.
Good for you on checking out that rental. I wish I'd had the same clarity that you have right now.
He just keeps blaming the outside world rather than look at himself.
Yep. It was always my fault, or the kids, or his parents or the customer service person at the utility company or the VA. Literally everyone and everything in the world except his choices and his drinking.
I have tried to go to Alanon but he just says I will be there just to say bad things about him. (I know it's not about him, it's about me) It is just easier not to try to go yet. He is very controlling, I get that, so I have to make my plans carefully.
I was in a similar situation. I actually didn't start going until after I left my ex. He would have gone ballistic if he'd known I was going to Alanon. He would have thought the exact same thing about me going there to badmouth him, because of course the entire world revolves around him.
It also wasn't safe for me to leave the kids alone with him for even an hour because I never knew what I'd be coming home to. He once got so drunk while I was at the grocery store that he called 911 to report DS 6 (he was 3 or 4 at the time) missing. I got home from the grocery store with DS in tow (I'd been gone maybe 45 minutes) and found a virtual SWAT brigade swarming the street outside our house in response to the "missing child" call. It was mortifying.
Don't worry about Alanon right now. You'll have plenty of opportunity once you're free of this situation.