I relate to what you're saying. I didn't even grow up with an alcoholic (my RAH grew up with an alcoholic dad but his life wasn't full of abuse, it's was filled with neglect from his dad and codependency from his mom) but I have many of the traits that ACOAs have. It doesn't really matter how I got here or why so I'm trying to focus more on what I can learn.
I never got in trouble for anything, or had any rules, though I was no angel. I know my parents knew I was coming home drunk when I was in high school, and driving drunk...I don't know how they couldn't have. But neither of my parents ever said a word to me about it.
This is exactly how my RAH describes his childhood too. He never got in trouble.
Mine was the polar opposite. I was ALWAYS in trouble and a major overachiever. None of my friends ever understood why I was always grounded. My friend's moms would comment on how polite and mild mannered I was and then I'd go home to my mom who would berate me for whatever my failure of the day was.
Different avenues, same destination.