TheCrimsonKing

A bit if both I think. Yesterday my emotions were all over the place. This is what I need to remember about alcohol: it sends me into an emotional tailspin. If I can change my thinking from "I shouldn't drink" to "I choose not to drink as an educated decision because it destabalises me".....it will activate an inner responsibility switch rather than coming from a place of shoulds and ought not to's.

We broke up 3 weeks ago. We were only together a few months. She had previously finished it two weeks prior when she discovered I had invited a "friend" over for the evening. That was my reaction to her telling me that she had discussed me with her ex and that she was weighing up whether to stay with me or not. Imagine telling me that...

A week later and she wants to get back (going no contact sometimes has that effect). Then she wants to go on holiday with me. So from not wanting me to wanting me and wanting to take a trip with me. Extreme. I went on the trip. A mistake probably...(or a learning experience). I was sick with a chest infection....she only wanted me to go to unload on me and use me as an emotional punchbag. We clashed. When I get back I went into no contact mode: delete from all platforms, block from all platforms, deny existance...

It's been my manner since a bad breakup a couple of years ago. But perhaps I don't give myself a chance to do any grieving or forgiving or lettling go. I just go into siege mentality

I started to miss her a little. But miss what? The constant criticismes? At least I think I was missing her. Maybe I was missing someone, feeling the loneliness, feeling the lack of intimacy...maybe missing the drama...it was just a nagging feeling.....I could handle that....then enter the picture alcohol.......

...then it seemed like those feelings were excenuated. Every past hurt, every emotional scar, every trauma.....all of the fires of hell that were lying dormant beneath the surface....awakened.....and the gates of hell open in a red fury.

Was I grieving her? Was I grieving a love lost from the past? was I grieving a girl that I'm interested but she has a boyfriend, I found out yesterday? was I grieving being lonely? Probably a combination of all of these factors.

I realease the need for alcohol. It does nothing for me only messes up my emotions and my thinking in a radical way. If I was ever to think that alcohol gives me anything positive....it would be delusional thinking. Pure and simple delusion.