TheCrimsonKing

(I hate myself and want to die)

I've written that because that's what it feels like now...

I drank this weekend after going thirty something days...

I want to find out why and what can I do about it.

My thoughts are mental and all over the place. I think I'm reading too much physcology. I've been reading about "toxic shame' and I think I convinced myself that therein lies my alcohol problem.....I drink and I automatically feel bad, because I was shamed about my behaviour in the past....and now I shame myself. I feel bad and a man that feels bad about himself manifests that belief in perpetuating self defeating behaviour. Drinking. How can I change if I feel bad about myself.

so if I remove that toxic shame....

I tried that today when the hangover really started kicking in. It worked a little. Then I realised why I need to stay sober...

The two principal reasons:
Anxiety
Depression

These two bast'rds make a silent attack on my system the day after drinking. Like a cancer eating away at my soul. And I don't like it. And I can't handle it. What do I do to avoid these two enemies? I drink of course. Logical no? It's the most illogical thing that I can think of....

Then there is a second reason:
It brings me negative circumstances that I later regret. I regret drinking. Always. This is a monkey that I need to take around the back and put a bullet in it's ugly head and bury it in a deep grave.

A plan? The moment I stop drinking I go into plan "positive and improve my life" and things go fantastic and then suddenly......monkey boy bites me out of nowhere...

I have two personalities. Have you seen Fight Club? Tyler Durden is drunk me. Sometimes I wake the next day and I just can't relate to what happened the previous night....like it happened to someone else....or in a movie....but it wasn't me...

Tyler needs to die.

You've just met me at a very strange time in my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln8Sj_BDUrs

Dee74

You made 30 days - thats awesome. You know how to get sober - now you need to work out how to stay that way...you need a little more grunt to achieve escape velocity but it's far from impossible

I'm not sure where in western Europe you are but there are some international resources and crisis phone numbers in this link CK - some good reading too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

The drink is fuelling your despair.
Don't make a lifetime decision on the way you feel today.
I've been there.

Things can and do get better King

D

TheCrimsonKing

Dee,

You've probably no idea how that response to a lost soul...can help that lost soul. I thank you.

I'm in Spain. I went to AA. I was positive going to it....I'm not sure if it helped me or if we are compatibale. (or even if I espected too much). Christ, I wanted and I tried to change so much. And I did. The last week was unbelievably good. I was happy. And I mean happy as if I had taken a happy drug.....exercising in the morning, listening to positive audio and going to work....and applying myself 100 per cent.

I'm trying to build a social life.....and also to have a romantic life......as well as every other responsibility...

I'd like to sleep 12 hours...

ArtFriend

I am sorry you are going thru this. You sound like you are in a lot of pain. It is a process rather than an on/off switch I have learned. 2 steps forward, one back. But you are making progress. It is frustrating at times, I know that! Post here and gain wisdom from others.

Dee74

Many of us faltered a time or two CK - it doesn't mean you're doomed or that you're an idiot.
Just means the plan needs a little tweak or two.

That lasting happiness can be yours

D

Inchworm

I've faltered twice in the 10 months since signing on to SR, King. It fills my shame bucket very nicely, thank you. I believe I use shame as an excuse to "be bad"?! Is that not crazy?

At any rate, I've learned more about myself while sober since June of last year than I have learned in the, oh, last thirty years of drinking. Just get back to sobriety, King, and leave the shame in the bottle.

TroyW

Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt. I love James Blunt. Are you by chance going through a break up / separation? Or was that just an analogy for alcohol?

Either way, all the best.

50thstate

I understand, I did the same thing. I'm very ashamed. I don't want us to ever give up. I love the support we have here. If it takes falling to learn how to walk, then be it!! I don't want to give up, yes it's hard.

Iconoclastic

Relapse is a common occurrence for alcoholics, it was for me.

I stopped feeling shame for relapsing, not just because alcoholism isn't a moral issue, but I stopped comparing my relapsing which was part of my recovery with others recovery.

How I began to get better in understanding the crux of my shame was through self-examination of the causes and conditions from my childhood where shame began.

I have never known an alcoholic that wasn't shame based!

TheCrimsonKing

A bit if both I think. Yesterday my emotions were all over the place. This is what I need to remember about alcohol: it sends me into an emotional tailspin. If I can change my thinking from "I shouldn't drink" to "I choose not to drink as an educated decision because it destabalises me".....it will activate an inner responsibility switch rather than coming from a place of shoulds and ought not to's.

We broke up 3 weeks ago. We were only together a few months. She had previously finished it two weeks prior when she discovered I had invited a "friend" over for the evening. That was my reaction to her telling me that she had discussed me with her ex and that she was weighing up whether to stay with me or not. Imagine telling me that...

A week later and she wants to get back (going no contact sometimes has that effect). Then she wants to go on holiday with me. So from not wanting me to wanting me and wanting to take a trip with me. Extreme. I went on the trip. A mistake probably...(or a learning experience). I was sick with a chest infection....she only wanted me to go to unload on me and use me as an emotional punchbag. We clashed. When I get back I went into no contact mode: delete from all platforms, block from all platforms, deny existance...

It's been my manner since a bad breakup a couple of years ago. But perhaps I don't give myself a chance to do any grieving or forgiving or lettling go. I just go into siege mentality

I started to miss her a little. But miss what? The constant criticismes? At least I think I was missing her. Maybe I was missing someone, feeling the loneliness, feeling the lack of intimacy...maybe missing the drama...it was just a nagging feeling.....I could handle that....then enter the picture alcohol.......

...then it seemed like those feelings were excenuated. Every past hurt, every emotional scar, every trauma.....all of the fires of hell that were lying dormant beneath the surface....awakened.....and the gates of hell open in a red fury.

Was I grieving her? Was I grieving a love lost from the past? was I grieving a girl that I'm interested but she has a boyfriend, I found out yesterday? was I grieving being lonely? Probably a combination of all of these factors.

I realease the need for alcohol. It does nothing for me only messes up my emotions and my thinking in a radical way. If I was ever to think that alcohol gives me anything positive....it would be delusional thinking. Pure and simple delusion.

doggonecarl

You spend a lot of time analyzing "why" you drink.

So did I.

And it doesn't help. Drinkers drink. No one thinks themselves sober. Focus your energy on dealing with sobriety. Recover is an action verb.

TroyW

Dude, no disrespect intended, but don't be so rude. If he wants to reflect on life, he's allowed to.

TheCrimsonKing

What I'm feeling now is not new. I always feel this way after drinking....to varies degrees.....The Fear. It's an awful feeling....

What amazes me is that I didn't consider this feeling when I chose to drink. It never entered my mind. The thoughts of a hangover didn't enter my mind. The thoughts that alcohol doesn't agree with me didn't enter my mind. I write down my goals every day. I had been writing down "Teetotal" as my number one goal. I remember thinking on Saturday if I should write it down or not. The weird thing is Friday I went out and didn't consider drinking.....bingo....I actually think that's when the seed was planted.....Friday towards the end of the night I did entertain the thought "it could be allright in a social setting as this". Cue Saturday......a new friend...two lads out on the town.....what harm in a social setting.....self deception......I notice I hadn't written my goals down for Saturday....I left the door open.

"don't put yourself in harm's way"

How to Stay Sober: 6 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow

Soberwolf

Im really glad your here bud trying again 30 days is fantastic let your achievement be your inspiration

Have a read of this its one of my first posts when i joined SR let me know what you think

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...does-come.html