Day 37 - Happy to report still sober, talked things through with my other half about be going to AA and she conceded that to stick to my original plan is the right thing to do. I worried that if I deviated then it would make it easier to change other bits of the plan eventually leading to it falling apart.
I must say that the last few days I've been romanticizing alcohol and not sure really how to put an end to that. It was my go to for every situation so when I day dream it's often there. We started talking about a first holiday for later in the year....back to a resort we really love....only problem is my view of that holiday and that resort is sitting in an open bar in the sun drinking a beer watching the football, eating some food in a restaurant and then relaxing the night away again in the bar to the early hours.
In all honesty that picture is not always the way it goes, when we there two years ago we fell out a few times (drunk) and i got a tattoo (drunk) and freaked out because it was abroad and got tested for hepatitis when I got home, got lost one night and couldn't remember where the room was(drunk) and slept on the beach. Still my brain is distorting the view and blocking those bits out.
I don't feel like I'm going to relapse currently but just wanted to put my thoughts down in to writing. I had four months a while ago and fantasizing about drinking in the sun and beer gardens etc built over time into a massive thing in my head and was what eventually lead to my relapse.
I know I have so much to loose and so little to gain so don't even understand why it crosses my mind but it still does and that niggle is starting to turn into a bit of an itch.
I'm pretty sure saying no holiday this year would be the best thing but with having a baby and dealing with my nonsense my wife has had a tough year. I think she wants the holiday to relax and give us a chance to re-connect and remind herself of how we used to be....sadly I don't think we are who we used to be though so maybe she's chasing dust in the wind. Not that we still can't be something great just maybe not the same as we were.
Thanks for reading my ramble
