moment of weakness
hey everyone,
does anyone ever think that maybe if they had been more understanding, maybe found this forum sooner, and then maybe handled things better, their addict would have been better? or maybe not even better but maybe a better person towards you? maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad?
im scared that now things are officially over and done with and we can't ever go back, that i'm gonna miss out on what this person had to offer. i know recovery looks like recovery, and he DEFINITELY wasn't there. but maybe its because i had never known the sober AB. maybe he really truly is a jerk in real life.
i miss him. i'm ashamed of my behavior. but how could anyone act sane when their person is hot/cold, dissappears, sleeps for forever and a day, and then in an instant wants to do stuff? i mean after two stinking years, i kinda expected to know what my person was up to, not in a stalking, controlling way, but more like, hey i'm not doing ABC today, so i'm doing XYZ instead. i mean after all the crap, after all the lies, relapses, etc, i was still there, and then to find out, for the past year he's been smoking pot? and lying and covering it up?!?!? the two times he's left houston, it was to go to colorado (without me mind you) and guess whats legal in colorado?!?!? hmmmm...
i live in texas now, but i lived in new york for 30 years, there were so many times i offered to fly him there with me for visits, one of which being my sisters wedding, and there was always an excuse as to why he couldn't. i always wanted him (before the craziness) to meet MY friends and MY family. see where i grew up. have me know where i was and him not have a clue, show him all of my favorite places. but it never happened.
he used to say i was crazy for modeling what i could of my schedule with his, i'm a nurse, and we can self schedule, and i work nights, so why wouldn't i want it to kinda match up the best with him, that way maybe on a day off we can try and be like normal humans and be awake during the day and actually do something, instead of sleeping and watching stupid tv.
ok well thats it. thank you for listening. sorry this was kinda ranting.