How are things going with you and your RAH stung?
Thanks for asking! I'm not sure how things are going. I'm just trying to be friends with him. He's sober but I'm starting to accept that he and I haven't been in any kind of meaningful relationship for quite some time. To that end, I just want us to be friends for the sake of our kids. We're still married but separated, and for now this setup is working well enough. My kids stay in a safe environment 24/7 and that's pretty much all I can ask for.
Maybe he poured it out because so many others there would be brought down by it?
He is a mega codependent. My 3 year old now asks me "what's wrong, mom?" way too frequently because RAH asks me the same question all the dang time. He poured it out because he wants his friend to be sober and having sober friends is a BIG thing for RAH's own sobriety. He's been struggling this week and I think it's because two of his sober housemates have relapsed and gone back to their parents (both men in their 30s, mind you) rather than get back on the horse and attempt sobriety again in the sober living house. And that's a shame because both guys seem like very nice men and they were good friends to RAH. Both times RAH has reached out to their parents too. He's very codependent.
From what I've heard from people who have, it's often that sober life has become unbearable. That's usually because they have missed something in the recovery process.
Well, yes and no. One thing that I've heard before is that the cornerstone of successful, long term sobriety (not just abstaining from alcohol) is to have a sober life that you truly enjoy. Relapses seem to correlate with shame and the "if I only had _____ then my life would be better/I could stay sober" or "if I could just ______ my life would be better/I could stay sober" type of attitude. I think a lot of that has to do with gratitude practices and being able to accept that EVERYONE has problems and that happiness is being able to deal with life's problems, rather than fantasizing about a problem free life. It's kind of like the saying that happiness is a choice. I think happiness is as much a choice as sobriety is, regardless of a person's ailments/problems.
I feel like 12 step programs teach us that we all can live fulfilling and happy lives regardless of what is going on in our lives, because we CHOOSE to be happy and grateful (and sober if you're attending an addiction based 12 step program). I view it 100% as a choice. If something in your life is really casting a shadow over everything in your life (thus triggering you to drink) and an attitude adjustment isn't enough, then be proactive and make a change. I'm not saying it's easy by any means, but I do view it entirely as a choice.