Insanity

Old 05-08-2015, 08:22 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Insanity

RAH lives in a sober living environment. Some of the guys he lives with seem like just run of the mill normal family men who are also alcoholics trying everything they can to be sober.

Last week one of his roommates relapsed and in a pretty spectacular fashion. RAH was telling me about the ordeal and mentioned that he poured all of his friend's alcohol down the sink. I cringed. I never was a bottle finder or bottle pourer because I never suspected alcoholism in the first place (all of my searching was limited to Google in looking for sudden onset rage attacks). I was completely clueless as to what was happening in my marriage and my home, I just knew that my husband was becoming increasingly crazy, mean and unpredictable.

RAH told me how good it felt to pour his friend's booze out, how gross it was that his friend was drinking at all and that that is what he would want someone to do for him. Ugh. I have heard in al-anon to not pour booze out because more can easily be found/purchased and I repeated that to RAH. In fact, his friend ended up being booked into a hotel and just moseyed on down to the hotel bar to drink some more...that was after being taken to the hospital and blowing a .4 into a breathalyzer.

This guy has 3 kids, a wife, a pretty fantastic sounding successful career, had already attended rehab and was living in a sober living environment with other men who understood him and were close to him and almost a year of sobriety under his belt.

The insanity of alcoholism is that nothing grounds these people and that it really is all a choice in whether they want to stop or not. Its insane.

Needless to say, he moved out of the SLE, this happened with another one of his sober friends a few months ago too. Once they relapse then they seem to completely quit the SLE environment and revert back to parental enablers. It gives me some kind of peace of mind that many alcoholics seem to be carbon copies of RAH, but at the same time, it's just straight insanity and it really makes me feel sad for my kids and that guy's kids. Alcoholism is freaking ruthless.
Stung is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 09:20 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
It is insane. No children should be put in the position of ever living with that insanity. Insane and dangerous. It's interesting that they do all seem like carbon copies of one another-running back to parental and family enablers and abhorring anyone that tries to hold then accountable. Sick!!!!
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 09:35 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. It is ruthless. Ruthless, disgusting, horrible, robber of lives.

How are things going with you and your RAH stung?? I hope you and your family are doing well!!!

XXX
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 01:22 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
It's insidious. Good on your husband ! I look at some of these places and see the foxes guarding the henhouse. Maybe he poured it out because so many others there would be brought down by it? Can't say I blame him.
Duckygirl1 is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 01:31 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think when one alcoholic pours out the other's booze it has a different connotation than when one of us does it. It's his deal, and it sounds like he's seeing first hand how distressing and disappointing it is when someone you're rooting for relapses. Not a bad realization to have.

I don't know that the guy who relapsed had a "choice" about it. From what I've heard from people who have, it's often that sober life has become unbearable. That's usually because they have missed something in the recovery process.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 02:17 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
How are things going with you and your RAH stung?
Thanks for asking! I'm not sure how things are going. I'm just trying to be friends with him. He's sober but I'm starting to accept that he and I haven't been in any kind of meaningful relationship for quite some time. To that end, I just want us to be friends for the sake of our kids. We're still married but separated, and for now this setup is working well enough. My kids stay in a safe environment 24/7 and that's pretty much all I can ask for.

Maybe he poured it out because so many others there would be brought down by it?
He is a mega codependent. My 3 year old now asks me "what's wrong, mom?" way too frequently because RAH asks me the same question all the dang time. He poured it out because he wants his friend to be sober and having sober friends is a BIG thing for RAH's own sobriety. He's been struggling this week and I think it's because two of his sober housemates have relapsed and gone back to their parents (both men in their 30s, mind you) rather than get back on the horse and attempt sobriety again in the sober living house. And that's a shame because both guys seem like very nice men and they were good friends to RAH. Both times RAH has reached out to their parents too. He's very codependent.

From what I've heard from people who have, it's often that sober life has become unbearable. That's usually because they have missed something in the recovery process.
Well, yes and no. One thing that I've heard before is that the cornerstone of successful, long term sobriety (not just abstaining from alcohol) is to have a sober life that you truly enjoy. Relapses seem to correlate with shame and the "if I only had _____ then my life would be better/I could stay sober" or "if I could just ______ my life would be better/I could stay sober" type of attitude. I think a lot of that has to do with gratitude practices and being able to accept that EVERYONE has problems and that happiness is being able to deal with life's problems, rather than fantasizing about a problem free life. It's kind of like the saying that happiness is a choice. I think happiness is as much a choice as sobriety is, regardless of a person's ailments/problems.

I feel like 12 step programs teach us that we all can live fulfilling and happy lives regardless of what is going on in our lives, because we CHOOSE to be happy and grateful (and sober if you're attending an addiction based 12 step program). I view it 100% as a choice. If something in your life is really casting a shadow over everything in your life (thus triggering you to drink) and an attitude adjustment isn't enough, then be proactive and make a change. I'm not saying it's easy by any means, but I do view it entirely as a choice.
Stung is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 02:25 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I get your point. To a large extent that's all true. But I don't know that they completely "choose" to be unhappy and dissatisfied (or as the BB refers to it, "restless, irritable and discontented"). That's what the Steps are supposed to address. And yes, it IS insane.

Anyway I'm glad things are peaceful for you and the kiddos right now.

Hugs,
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 02:35 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I agree that people don't necessarily choose unhappiness as the alternative, just that they aren't choosing happiness over everything else.

If I instill nothing else in my children during their childhoods, I hope that they learn that it's always okay to feel their emotions whether it be elation or despair, and that they're always able to be grateful for waking up that day, or having a warm home, or food in their tummies and to be grounded/humbled by their gratitude. I feel like those are the backbones of a happy life. Definitely things that I'm learning at 30 and that RAH is struggling to learn now in his 30s.
Stung is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 04:19 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's wrong to lump all alcoholics together and judge them. I haven't had a drink in 23.5 years and got sober on my first try. Some alcoholics don't want to be/stay sober. Some are too self-destructive to stay sober. The only thing I know is that no one can predict who will drink again and who won't. It's impossible to predict that, even for so-called experts.

Years ago I realized that the meetings I've been going to for so many years don't get any bigger. With all the newcomers we should be in Yankee Stadium by now. And yes, sure, some people move, but these meetings should be much, much bigger. Maybe it helps to realize that alcoholism/addiction is a mental illness.

The reason is that most people don't stay sober. For whatever reason.
NYCDoglvr is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 04:27 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I don't mean to offend. It's wrong to lump all stay at home moms together and say that things about them but it happens all the time. The fact of the matter is that groups of people tend to have things in common, and other people observe those similarities. Married alcoholic men with professional careers seem to have many similarities with my husband and women who are married to alcoholic men seem to have many similarities with me.

I don't know any female alcoholics besides my sister in law, NYC, so I don't know what they would be like.

I'm not grouping ALL alcoholics, just the ones I've encountered and the ones that I seem to read and hear about most frequently. The alcoholics that I know that have similar spans of sobriety to yours are some of the kindest and most well rounded people that I know. But the perpetually relapsing alcoholics are walking sacks of insanity. Unfortunately most of my first hand experience is with the latter, so that's what I make my observations off of.

These are only my opinions, not facts.
Stung is offline  
Old 05-08-2015, 04:44 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I don't think there's a difference between being a female or male alcoholic, none that I've observed. You are right, insanity is the right word for alcoholism: despite catastrophic consequences and misery, active alcoholics continue to pour it down their throat.

Bill Wilson writes in the Big Book ("Alcoholics Anonymous") that drinking is only a symptom of a much bigger problem. It is the common psychological symptoms we share: selfish, self-centered in the extreme, enormous ego combined with low self esteem, grandiosity. Alcoholics are extremely self-destructive. So those lucky to get sober have to change (therapy/steps) or they will drink again.

I'm also codependent and have seen insane thinking in codependents, including myself. Staying in a relationship that makes me miserable because I refuse to deal with my own denial and rationalization. Alanon taught me that I'm not the victim, but if I want a good life and peace of mind I have to change myself.
NYCDoglvr is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:33 AM.