Well, went to the dr's today. Basically it's a waiting game. She doesnt look good to him at all, and he said it looks like she has a 50% chance of mortality in the next 3-6 months. But, he also said that the next 3-6 months is when we will see if she recovers at all and her liver gains any functioning again without the drinking.
Apparently she can't go on any transplant list until she's been 6 months sober. So, 5 more months to wait to cross that bridge. I hope there's enough time.
She's just so unwell. She's in and out of sleep all day because she doesn't sleep at night. Most days she's not alert. Some days she seems just fine.
When she's out of it, she's dozing in and out, talking in her sleep, grinding her teeth so badly she bleeds.
She can't write legibly.
She's dizzy. In pain.
Ugh, it's just awful. I really hope she pulls through. Plus this is horrible for my codependency. I get all finnicky and point things out, and remind and annoy her about the things she really should be worrying about. She is doing a good job of pointing it out to me. It's all out of fear. She just does the magical thinking thing. Ugh it's so scary.
My sister is coming by in 2 days, she leaves in 5. I havent talked to her about it yet. What Im doing is going to counselling tomorrow to regroup, go over my plan with my counsellor. Then I think I will go home and tell my mum that if she doesn't tell my sister by Saturday, then I will be telling her. I mean. My sister wants to know why I have spent extra nights over. She will want to know why my mum's out of it/swollen belly/yellow. She's not stupid. For me, it's all about timing.
I have to tell her in enough time for her to speak to my mum. But I also am worried about doing it before my sister comes for the visit, cause then my mum will call it off likely...And if I tell my mum I am going to tell my sister, she could have the chance to mess with my brain.
BUT. The fact remains, I MUST tell my sister that our mum is unwell. I have to. It's happening. It's the when and how.
I can't believe that I could be losing my mum. It's just awful. It's even worse because it feels like I have lost her already, emotionally from years ago. And it feels like I am losing her again as she gets more and more ill. And then I will lose her again because I am going to tell my sister. And then I really am going to lose her.
I'm so afraid I'm going to hate myself for how I've treated her, because I have been rude and annoyed and short tempered. I'm so afraid I'm going to be left with just awfulness. A shell of a person. Which it already feels like I have been, but now 10 times worse.